An 8th Grader Reviews Cigarettes

Our friends little brother some how got a copy of Kill Pretty and now is begging us to let him write an article. He’s a little kid so we let him do the one thing he’s good at, complain. We went to the store and bought him five packs of cigarettes, don’t worry their lights, so he could smoke each pack and let us know what he thinks. Here’s his reviews..

Camel Menthol Lights: Kill Pretty said I should start with the “pussy cigarettes” which I guess are called menthols? Menthol sounds like some sort of gasoline or something. I’ve never smoked before so its pretty hard on my lungs. My first drag hurt really bad, I coughed really hard and spit the gnarliest phlegm globber. It was awesome! Then I was super high after! Cigarettes are great!

American Spirit Yellow: My brother said I had to smoke the whole pack to get the “taste of a pack” but my brother is an idiot so I just smoked five. I like the indian on the front. He looks cool. These tasted more like incense while the Menthols kinda had a mint taste. I don’t get why they don’t make them all taste like mint or chocolate. Are there chocolate flavors?

Parliaments: My brother said you can use these to snort coke with but I didn’t have any coke so I did it with pixie sticks. It burned my nose really bad. I don’t know why anyone would put something up their nose. It’s so weird feeling. These tasted pretty much like the last ones. It’s getting harder to tell the difference. Especially with pixie sticks in my nose.

Camel Crush: These have a little ball inside you can smoosh with your fingers. It’s kinda cool! Why don’t all cigarettes have stuff like this? I feel like if I designed cigarettes they would all taste like chocolate and have cool twisty parts. Camel should hire me!

Marlboro Reds: Apparently these are the cool ones. So I made sure to smoke all of these at recess so this girl at school saw me. Her and her friend watched me but were too scared to talk to me. I puked in a garbage can and laid down in the grass. I watched the smoke mix in with the clouds and felt dizzy. Smoking is so cool.

The Camels had the coolest box and tasted the best. All of them got you high though. I don’t know why my brother likes one brand over another. They all are cool. I’m going to be a smoker for life! Thanks Kill Pretty!