Maybe you don't read the memos we send out or maybe you're just the kind of person who likes to push the boundaries of what is and what isn’t acceptable in the office, but like it or not we're under the ownership of a corporation with global reach and that extends to the supply room. You know, the supply room where you did that thing. Yeah dude, everybody knows and corporate is pissed.

It's none of our business what you've been doing in the supply room. We don't even know what you do here, but you keep your head down and don't bother anyone so it doesn't seem like anyone would care but you overstepped your bounds when you made such a mess in the supply closet. Like, come on. You can't just do whatever you want in the office without corporate catching wind of the whole thing. What did you even do in there? I’ve had things up my butt that have been less messy than the thing you do did which I’m not even sure what it was!

Corey from the front office says that Piper in the back office says that Smith in the top office was down in the mail in room and got lost in the hallway next to R&D and saw you doing whatever it is you do in there when you think no one's watching and he is SO PISSED. You need to apologize now. Preferably with a nice note and probably a big cake, you know everyone in corporate loves cake and a nice note. You should probably force the cake makers to write “SORRY FOR THE THING I DID IN THE SUPPLY CLOSET” in big yummy letters at gun point so corporate knows how sorry you are. Or don’t! It’s really none of my business.

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.