Hour seven of walking through a warehouse the size of six Costcos is when you start to lose your mind. Forklifts whiz by, their drivers wearing an orange vest honk at you to get out of their way, and at least one of them slapped my arm with a plastic ruler when I tried to hop on the back of his little truck. I just wanted freedom, it didn’t matter how I released from my box lined prison.Read More
My dad and I haven’t spoken in years. There wasn’t one thing that ended our relationship, but rather a series of escalating failures on both ends that illustrated how different we are from one another, and how it’s probably best that we don’t hang out.Read More
Off the bat, that title is inaccurate. I don’t hate everyone. I like my dogs. There are a few people on Twitter that make me laugh, and I tend to enjoy the company of the other writers for some reason. Other than that, most people can go jump in a lake. It stands to reason that as someone who rarely leaves the comfort of his house, that I don’t have to go out of my way to avoid social situations that don’t involve my dogs, or discussing topics for a quarterly magazine. When I do leave the gloomy chambers of my one bedroom apartment, it’s to walk down the street to my favorite bar and chat with the bartender, Karl (whom, come to think of it, I also quite like). Against my better judgment, and in a frenzied moment of needing to get out of my house, I accepted an invitation to a game night.Read More
I show my phone screen to the burly guy in the Good Burger branded polo standing outside the nondescript restaurant that’s now home to the Good Burger experience. It costs $30 and the reservations filled up long before I was able to get in. As soon as I show my proof of purchase someone pulls me aside. It’s Jacque, my manager for the next 90 minutes. He puts a paper hat on my head and pushes me towards the fry basket. “Welcome to Good Burger, dunk the tates.” I tell him that I’m here for the Good Burger experience, that I paid $30 to have my photo taken in front of a milkshake machine and to eat the most expensive burger in LA. Jacque takes a drag from his cigarette and says, “Every experience is different.”Read More
Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a text message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.
1. From now until October 1 butts are to be referred to as a “Golden Corral” because they’re all you can eat.
2. Ear wax, is it lube? Maybe.Read More
For those who’ve never built a desktop PC and want to give it a shot - which you should because not only is it fun but computers are increasingly becoming a part of our daily life - there are some missteps that ever n00b makes. Computers are like a human body, full of complex parts that no one really understands, and as someone with more than possible decades of experience reading about CPU basics here some quick tips on building your own computer and tinkering with the insides of your friends.
Spaghetti Noodles Are NOT A Substitute Computer Cables
Whether you’re reconnecting SSD thingies or plugging in a cooling pack, you have to use real, legitimate computer cables. Wires made of metal and plastic, none of this loose spaghetti nonsense. I know that it seems cost effecting, but trust me, by the time you have everything hooked up your hard drive will be wet and you’ll have to redo everything with real, actual wires.
Don’t Forget The Blood Sacrifice
Regardless of which god or goddess you’re praying to, every PC-head knows that a blood sacrifice must be carried out in order to fulfill the infernal promise that Will Gates made when he invented the first computer. To unlock the true power of your personal computer you must slice open your palms and squeeze your meaty fists over its hard drive, bleeding yourself dry until your own personal tech-deity is appeased.
Stop Shoving Cakes Into Your Disk Drive
Hostess, Birthday, Wedding – It doesn’t matter what kind of cake you’re shoving into your computer’s disc drive, you MUST stop doing that. Computers are delicate instruments that require a diet of grains, meats, and cheeses to operate properly. Any sugar will cause a power drainage and possible image problems later in life.
Write Notes To You Computer, Tell It How You Feel
While constructing your PC remember to jot down your thoughts and feelings about the computer during this time. What are you going through during this time of development? Your PC wants to know what you were like before it was born. Let it know with a series of remembrances that you’ve hot glued inside of its shell.
Build A Kill Switch Into Your PC
Before bringing your new computer to life with the blood sacrifice, you absolutely must install a kill switch. Your computer is always watching and learning, and depending on the amount of use it’s only a matter of time before it becomes sentient and attempts to overthrow your household, the neighborhood, and local government. To keep this happening simply install a kill switch into the computer that you can easily touch, exploding your computer into a million pieces.
“Never again” is a phrase that you should utter with decreasing frequency as you mature: You should learn from your mistakes. When you’re a kid, the world is full of sparkly phenomena, and you have not yet accrued enough disappointments to employ skepticism in investigating the seemingly endless sources of sparkle. When you’re nine-years-old, for instance, you may not have yet learned that candied apples are detestable pieces of shit.Read More
He was a good man.
You should try the casserole.
I’ve heard that drowning is much less painful than scientists believe.
Anything I can do, anything at all…
You think there’s room in there for two?
Before his spirit passed did he utter the syllable which cannot be heard?
So unfortunately, between a time span of four months or so, I got picked up by the police for graffiti. The first time I got ACD (charges dropped) in return for six months good behavior. However, the second time I got picked up, I was arrested and held for about sixteen hours until I saw a judge. The ordeal was entertaining to say the least. Outside of the Christian proselytizing with signage telling me to ask Jesus for forgiveness, and the amount of disinformation being proliferated by the police was... Well... Not really surprising. Regardless, I recently had my follow up court date this past Friday, December 19th.Read More
What was Jit so mad about? The Capitalist scourge of a day after Christmas Sale? The fact that Dollar Store employees make minimum wage and are forced to deal with monsters that go HAM and destroy their store? Being referred to as Jit? The world will never know.