25 Important Things to Know By Mr Rich

1 - Do not try to bleach your hair with actual bleach. This will hurt your fucking head. 

2 - If you are zappin' a Cup O Noodle in the microwave, don't forget to put water in that shit. It will light on fire and stink up your microwave and make your mom mad.

3 - No matter how much weed you have smoked, your heart will not explode. No it wasn't laced and no you don't need to go to the hospital.

4 - Don't try and drink an entire box of wine in under 8 hours on a dare. You will most likely shit your pants.

5 - An oven does not make a good alternative for a dryer, especially when drunk.  You will burn your pants and have to walk home looking like Fire Marshall Bill.

6 - Huge downhill road + rain + your bicycle + being hungover = injury/ shattered helmet/ broken bicycle.

7 - Be wary of beerbonging 2 40oz Steel Reserves from a rooftop through a garden hose. You could throw up on yourself in your friend's backyard and not care.

8 - Do not put yourself in a position to take care of an asian that tends to over drink. You will get more than you bargained for.

9 - No matter how invincible you feel at the time, fire does harm your skin. It might be impressive at the time to hold a lighter under your forearm for 2 minutes, but it will hurt later.

10- Monopoly seems like a great idea, but if played correctly, never fucking ends. Same with Risk.

11 - If you run out of TP, paper towels do work, but just don't fucking flush them dumbass. Shit clogs your pipes. 

12 - Beware the metal show mosh pit. You will break your nose. Twice.

13 - Don't bang your buddy's ex even though you took him out for pizza and asked him if it was cool and he said it was. It isn't and he now hates you.

14 - If you have a girlfriend "that you want to keep" and she asks you do something for her.._don't wait til your round of HCTDM in COD is over. Put the controller down and take the trash out cuz she can find new dick any time.

15 - If you got a bike you like, don't lock that shit up outside 'cuz it's already gone. Bring it inside and sleep with it on your bed. 

16 - Don't keep guinea pigs and rabbits together in close quarters because they will battle to the death. 

17 - If you live in an apartment with someone that hates Christmas, don't put up 3 Christmas trees. They will get thrown over your 3rd story balcony.

18 - There will be a twist when M. Night Shyamalan dies.

19 - Don't run in bathrooms, especially in preschool, especially if your tongue is sticking out, 'cuz you'll fall. Bathroom floors are usually wet and the tongue is a muscle.._therefor you will get stuck in your local ER for hours before they tell you they can't do shit because they don't stitch muscles. 

20 - If your 16 and your mom kicks you out of the house, start sleeping on the roof.

21 - Don't lend anything to your girlfriend. You will never get it back. 

22 - Don't bang any girl that is on Ecstasy for the first time. Especially if she knows where you live.

23 - If you are short, you can Trick-or-Treat for the rest of your life.

24 - Don't be surprised if someone you know, that smokes meth, steals your TV. This should be a givin. 

25 - Don't hit on the cutest girl at school. You are not cool enough and never will be.