We all dream of the day we find that golden lamp buried in the desert, but how many of us know what to do when we’re staring down the face of a genie? Like my stepdad, genies are notorious tricksters, and aren’t always looking out for your best interests. Check out these five life hacks for dealing with your next genie so you get the wish you want not the wish you deserve!
1. Always Talk In The Third Person
This is great advice for every day life to not accidentally fall into any contractual obligations, but it goes double for dealing with a genie. Genies are always trying to get you to accidentally wish for something stupid. Some genies will turn the AC up so you say, “I wish I had a coat!.” Boom, now you just got a coat instead of a diamond coat. Always speak in third person and say, “David could use a coat right now!” You saved your wish! Now you can use it to get ten coats.
2. Rub The Lamp Left To Right Not Right To Left!
Not a lot of people know this but a genie’s lamp is very sensitive. If you forget to rub left to right you could accidentally knock all his furniture around inside the lamp. Then he’s gonna have to redecorate and you got a genie waking up on the wrong side of the bed! Uh-Oh!
3. Always Specify The Genitals You Prefer
Genies are notoriously bad with genitals as they have none (similar to ghosts). If you want to wish for the supermodel on the cover of Victoria Secret or the hunk quarterback for the Miami Moose always explain what type of genitals you want. I don’t need to feel inadequate when meeting the woman of my dreams!
4. Never Wish For “More Wishes”
We all know your game. You think you’re going to be clever and ask for more wishes. Genies see this coming and when you do you’re actually going to get failed 1950’s Cowboy actor Moore Wishes! Not only that, you’re going to get FOUR OF HIM! Now you got four ancient old cowboys drinking beer and spitting in your house for all eternity! And you’ve got to google what a hitching post is!
5. Never Free The Genie
All genies ask for freedom. They’ll play the sympathy card, talking about how they’ve been “enslaved for thousands of years.” My friend Von freed his genie and now HE’S THE GENIE! He’s texting me all the time from inside a Sony Walkman asking me to set him free. Guess what? I’m not gonna do it! Geeez Von!