Easy Life

Art by Tomas Brewer

Art by Tomas Brewer

I wish they had crash courses and classes for losers.  Even if it’s not real, at least you can lie to yourself and say that you achieved something.  Why does everything have to be real and professional?  It makes no sense.  There’s a whole mass of people that are stupid or not physically able to do anything, but they still have dreams.

Say you want to be the shit at karate. Drop some cash, throw some punches, kick some kicks, and BAM! After two or something classes some Asian guy gives you a first place trophy and a black belt. So what if other people don’t think it counts. When it comes down to it, do you care more about your opinion or there’s? Hmmm? After that you can walk about with your head held high knowing you can beat up the next retard you see.

Wanna be a lawyer? Give like, a grand, to some faceless website that teaches you some amendments and shit and then faxes you a piece of fancy paper with your name and a fancy signature on it. Now you can defend yourself in court when you get your next D.U.I. Sweet.

Always dreamed of being in the Guinness Book of World Records? That one is actually not that hard. All you gots to do is like, collect a bunch of gumballs or hoolahoop a lot or some shit. But if you can’t even do that, just hire some no-name company that don’t give a shit to reprint a copy of the (insert random year here) edition with whatever achievement you decided you want edited into that bitch.


Man, you could have any or all these things, plus many more, on your resume before the week is through and as long as you believe them to be true you’ll pass every polygraph. The fact that you went through some effort to get there is what counts. Who says how much effort you have to go through in order for it to be valid? No one. There’s no “Valid Police”.  Just look at Christina Applegate in Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead. She copied her whole resume from the internet and she got hired and was making bank. No one ever checks if you actually have a high school diploma. It’s a myth. Nor do they check that you’ve actually worked at any of the places you claim to have.

The world should start setting these classes up for people or, better yet, form a college. As long as you don’t care and they don’t care, then who cares? And you never know, maybe it will spread to the rest of the world and we’ll stop wasting our lives to be things that really don’t matter and buy things that don’t matter. Cause, come on, we’re all gonna fucking die and our shitty children are just gonna sell anything and everything we ever remotely cared about anyway, so let’s live it up. Get fucked up, fuck some shit up, and don’t have kids.  Cuz that shit’s weak.


Side Note:

I fucking hate handing out candy to kids. I hate handing candy out to brats saying “Twick or Tweet”, whatever the fuck that means and most of them are wearing sub-par costumes or complaining they were too hot to keep their masks on.  I don’t see Anthony Hopkins walking off set in the middle of a take. You want candy or not you boney little monkey? You want candy or not?! DANCE FOR ME! You know what? TRICK. The trick is you’re walking away without candy you fucking half wit. Have fun being raised by a tablet because your mom’s too busy getting drunk and banging me.