Here at Kill Pretty we love crime. It’s the best. Regulars and normals may have an aversion to theft, thieves, and crime-doers but not us. That being said, we also believe that some people deserve to burn in Hell for eternity for their sins against Heaven and possibly even Christ. We’ve rounded up five thieves who deserve to burn in Hell, but not for the crime of committing crime.

This mask clad crime man may have stolen a big bag of laundry from the washing place, but that doesn’t mean he should burn in Hell for eternity. So what did he do to deserve an infinite amount of poking from the big red guy? War crimes in Austria! Specifically, he ate the Queen of Austria when he was specifically told not to during World War II.

2. We don’t condone stealing your girlfriend’s wallet while looking at a fountain during a romantic date or moment during the day, but that’s not going to keep you away from the gates of Heaven. But you know what will? Drowning a pile of dogs and blending them into a dog smoothie and then serving the dog smoothie to the former owners of the dead dogs.

3. To be totally honest, this dork deserves to be ripped off because he’s just leaving his credit card around a guy wearing a mask who’s clearly interested in crime. The one thing he can’t know is that the crime man has wished every day to burn in hell and for that constant drive towards a goal he’ll be rewarded with an eternity of working the heat gauge in the Devil’s best demon room.

4. Wow. Can you believe the gall of this beautiful thief? It’s may be against man’s law to steal from people on the street, but God doesn’t care. Like, at all. He (and never forget that God IS a He), has a major problem with anyone who says the cuss “Shit-Dong.” As in, “That guy over there is a shit-dong, I’m going to steal his wallet.” So that’s why she’s going to Hell. We’ll be fine because we’re quoting this lovely thief and not saying the cuss ourselves.

5. Haunted by his life of crime, this thief will burn in Hell for the sin of coveting his neighbor’s ox. Suicide is actually fine because of overpopulation.