Five Times That It’s Totally Okay To Steal A Car

Regardless of how you feel about property and whether or not anything actually belongs to anyone, we can all agree that it’s not cool to go around stealing stuff - especially cars. On the whole, people need their cars to get back and forth from their jobs or to school, if that car’s stolen then the emotional and financial stress can be too much to bare for some people. However, there are a few completely acceptable circumstances in which you can steal a car.

1. You really want the car

Sometimes you just see a car and you think, “I want it. I should own that car but I don’t have enough money to buy it.” In that case it’s totally cool to smash the window and drive away in the car, legally making it yours.

2. The driver is plotting a terrorist attack

It’s impossible to tell whether or not someone is a terrorist - both foreign and domestic - but if you think the person behind the wheel of a car is about to commit an act of terrorism it’s your duty as an American citizen to steal their wheels.

3. Someone else is about to steal the car

Car thieves suck. They’re the worst. So if you see a run of the mill car thief about to make off with a car then the only thing you can do is steal the car before they steal it.

4. The president tells you that you have to steal a car

This isn’t some Gone in 60 Seconds malarkey where someone’s holding your family hostage and you have to steal a bunch of cars - that’s illegal and totally not cool. This is official business. If the president writes you a signed and notarized letter telling you to steal a car then you legally have to do it or you’ll be sent to an off the map prison, and no one wants that.

5. The car is parked on top of your rose garden

You planted that rose garden with your bare hands because you thought it would enrich the local community and now there’s a car parked on top of them? That’s unacceptable. The only thing you can do is steal the car and sell it for parts so you can afford more roses. That just makes sense.