BlueVeinThrobber is our newest writer for the Kill Pretty Blog! BVT grew up trailer trash in Louisiana. By 14 he was smoking meth with the whole family. By 18 he became a famous actor in New York City. These are true stories about his life, all disgusting and unbelievable but all true. All names, times and places have been changed to protect the freaks.

My grandma is a full blown hillbilly. She’s full blown bohemian Czech. Still speaks Czech. Grew up in the great depression in Texas. She met my grandfather and still to this day says he has a golden dick and he was the most beautiful man to ever walk the Earth.

She had five kids with him. Each kid became a dope head drug addict, we don’t know why. My grandma says she cheated on my Grandpa all the time. Wishes she didn’t but she did. My grandma always looked out for me because I was my Grandpa’s favorite for some reason. He passed away. My mom was a dope head. Grandma would come over with groceries and find no food in our refrigerator and my mom passed out. She snagged me up around 14 and said, “you’re going to come with me.”

I go from this suburban trailer park to this country spot in the hills outside of Austin, Texas. We don’t have any heating or air. We have well water, that type of shit. My grandma wears diapers. She chain smokes in her room, keeps all the doors closed and just breathes in her second hand smoke all day just to stay nice and high on nicotine.

Regardless this is the story of my grandma’s top three poops...come to think of it poop has a reoccurring theme in my family. One time my dad shit all over himself when he ate too many Oxycontins but that’s a story for another time. Here are the poops:

Poop At Walgreens

This is the day I stopped shopping with my grandma. My grandma forced me to go shopping with her. I don’t know why, maybe it was because she was bored. Walgreens was right by my high school. I guess she had shit herself or something but we go to Walgreens and we’re walking down the toilet paper aisle and she starts opening up a toilet paper roll. In the fucking aisle! She rips off some toilet paper. She lifts up her gown, squats down and starts wiping her ass. That’s when I hit a quick 180, run to the truck and hide my head in shame.

Poop on the Street

My grandma and I were walking with my aunt down the street in a nice little neighborhood. My grandma stops in between two garbage bins. We’re like, “Oh grandma, she’s catching her wind.” She smokes Virginia Slims and they’re like a foot long, she smokes two packs a day. “Oh grandma’s gonna catch up.” We loop around and as we walk past the two garbage bins there’s a dookie lying in between the two garbage bins. This is a residential neighborhood! She just pooped outside! She could have waited maybe eight or nine minutes!

Poop In the Shower

I remember I had to use a little portable heater because there was no heater in my room. My shower on my side of the house doesn't heat up fast at all. So I had to go into her shower if I want a hot shower. So one day I walk into her bathroom and, mind you there’s usually poo-poo all in her toilet. She never flushes because she’s crazy about saving water. So there’s several different colors of dookie in the toilet.

I get in the shower, turn it on and look down and I see what appears to be one of those half eaten tootsie rolls and I’m like, “Grandma! What’s all this brown stuff in the shower?”

“Oh that, boy? I had to use the restroom. When you get old like me you just use the restroom where you go, okay?”

“Grandma, why didn’t you clean it up?”

“Well I tried to stomp it down the drain!”

I was like, “Oh my god.” And just showered around the shit.