One of the most intriguing aspects of 2021 is the vaccine crush. Or work vaccine husband/wife/partner. This doesn’t have to be someone that you’ve explicitly shown up with. It can be anyone. Are you like the rest of adults aged 21 - 40 and desperately trying to get vaccinated before the summer? Have you been following the breadcrumbs of alleged extra vaccines to every Walgreens and Rite-Aid in a 50 mile radius? Are you also trying to get it on or maybe establish a genuine romantic relationship with someone while standing in a parking lot? If so, here are some tips for turning the vaccine spark into a roaring fire of love.

Bring An Umbrella To The Vaccine Site

It goes without saying that you should be wearing sunscreen. Whether you’re walking around the block or standing on line in a parking lot for hours at a time you need to take care of yourself. If you want to attract the fly vaccine honeys one way to set yourself apart from the crowd is carry a giant beach umbrella to the site. Even if you don’t make the cut you’ll stay out of the sun and have something to offer the cutie of your choice.

Be Prepared To Show Off Your Hidden Talent

It’s statistically unfavorable that your vaccine crush is going to be next to you in line. More than likely they’ll be a few people in front or behind you so you’ll need to do something special to get their attention. If you paint, bring an easel and canvas. Set up in line (it won’t move quickly) and paint their portrait. If nothing else you’ll have a conversation starter on your hands. If you skateboard then you should ollie over your crush’s head. There’s no greater rush than the feeling that you could have your head accidentally bashed in by a gnarly hunk at any given moment. Whatever it is you do, do it at your crush until they give you their number or Instagram handle.

Practice Calligraphy

If you and your crush are lucky enough to make it through the line and into the vaccination area you’ll both have to fill out forms. The last thing you want your crush to see is handwriting that’s so sloppy it looks like you’re a doctor with backwards hands. Get on YouTube and learn the art of calligraphy. Not only will you have a new skill in your hat, but you can offer to fill out forms for your vaccine-partner. They’ll be impressed with your handwriting and you’ll have their address, phone number, and insurance information. It’s a WIN WIN!

Supply Your Own Vaccine

Bringing your own vaccine to the line to receive a vaccine? It sounds crazy, I know, but what you’re doing by showing up with a DIY vaccine is showing your potential mate that you have the know how to create and distill a cure for the coronavirus in nothing but you bath tub or kitchen sink, and that you’re the kind of person who’s willing to share. Don’t use your homemade vaccine to trade for sex or anything like that (unless you both willingly consent to the transaction), just let your vaccine crush know that you’ve got the skills to pay the bills (or skills to get around that pesky FDA).

Read Kill Pretty While On Line

If you’re reading this it’s more than likely that you’re looking for a specific kind of person. Normies won’t do it for you. Neither will the average run of the mill weirdo. You need to find someone special, someone who’s an absolute freak who either reads the magazine or gets that same twinge in their MDMA soaked brain that you get when you see one of our weird as hell covers. Don’t just buy a magazine and bring it to the vaccine site, buy two separate subscriptions and a couple of t-shirts so you have something to offer your vaccinated sweetheart.

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.