Resident expert Jacob Shelton knows just about everything about anything, and that’s why he’s the perfect person to review and consider the wide range of topics that are available in this strange, chaotic world.

Reopening The Country - 1/10

Stay away from me. That’s my general demeanor in times of sickness and in health unless you’re someone I know and love (i.e. my partner, one specific bartender, some members of the Kill Pretty staff), so walking through a grocery store while wearing a mask and with my earbuds placed gently into my head holes feels normal. It’s good. When I see people standing in line for a $10 bagel, all of them wearing some form of hodgepodge facial covering be it a gas mask or bandanna, I feel as if I’m an extra in Blade Runner. It’s the most excitement I’ve ever felt. I never want it to end.

Talk of reopening has been going on from the moment the country closed with a bug CACHUNK sound. As soon as the doors were locked and the open sign was flipped over people began asking, But when will we be open? I worry that if we open too soon someone will cough on me and I’ll turn into a lobster person, or melt into a puddle of bright purple goo, or die the slow boring death that I don’t want to think about but can’t stop thinking about.

I get it. I also want to go sit in a bar at 1pm before plunking myself down in a movie theater before I waltz home while licking every telephone pole on the way to my apartment, but I also love living in a world that’s shut up like some kind of futuristic/gothic horror story where people just turn to ghosts from breathing the wrong air. Maybe love is the wrong word.

Reopening The Country, consider yourself reviewed.

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.