My semi-recent move to Los Angeles has improved many aspects of my life, but has cast an uncharacteristically dark cloud over one of the most vital things: my sexual wellbeing. You’d think a woman in her mid-20s with no wishes to settle into the monotonous migraine that is monogamy would be unleashing her sexual wrath onto all the beach boys, aspiring directors, and failed actors this city has to offer, but I find myself soaking in a pool of disappointment and settling for masturbation.
I didn’t know I was a size queen until above average dicks were snatched away from me. I took for granted the ample supply of girth provided by the east coast. It was just the standard! When I’d come across a little Richard, I’d be more intrigued than disgusted, rubbing it between my thumb and index finger like a twig. A mouse’s walking stick. Small cocks were the unicorns of the east coast, so when I unzipped a fellow’s pants and found one, I felt something like delight. Like, aww, that’s adorable.
Let me tell you, though…now that pencil dicks, sharpened down to their erasers, have become the norm, my vagina has become much like this city: a dry ass desert. The first guy I slept with out here actually had a penis I could see without squinting through a microscope, which was very misleading. It was as if nothing had changed. New city, same cut of meat. It was only after I continued into the LA dick abyss that I started running into members that seemed to be wilting as the temperature rose. Is it the heat? The easygoing lifestyle? Are penises forgetting to grow? Are they breeding them this way?
Being single was an exciting prospect until these tiny soldiers started lining up like some sick, poking joke. I feel like I’ve been making love to various thumbs. Once it felt like nothing. Just, absolutely nothing. Another guy told me he had emotional issues, but I couldn’t help but wonder if he meant size issues. After one session with these guys, I’m less excited about seeing them again. I feel like I’m getting Punk’d by Ashton. I feel like I’m waiting for Godot’s giant cock. Spoiler alert: It’s never coming.
The only plus side to this epidemic? LA fellas will go down. Oh, will they ever go down. They’ve got the east coast beat there!