Tales From The Tinder

Logo by Jorge Cruz

Logo by Jorge Cruz

Welcome kiddies! Tonight’s story is about a simple boy, looking for some tail, and a girl who had a drink and went off the rail! Now that’s what I call, getting your fill! (*CACKLES*)



Admittedly, the boy picked a pretty cheesy date. It was a mini golf course. Really, it was a selfish act because the boy only wanted to play arcade games afterward. At this time he didn’t have a car and the girl came to pick him up. She was dressed in light goth undertones but with a hip hop vibe. This was a big red flag to the boy, but he assumed crazy = horny and really had no choice since he was in her car. She began to explain her music choices, and she admitted it was mostly grimey ass southern rap. Again, a red flag but a possibly horny one so he advanced, this was the beginning of a series of bad decisions.



On the 17th hole the boy grabbed the girl and kissed her. She kissed back but didn’t seem eager. He caught her a bit off guard, and she wasn’t smart enough to pick up on what was happening until the kiss was in motion but she did not deny it. He assumed this was a good sign.



Afterwards, they played an arcade game where you have to shoot giant spiders with guns as you're riding in the back of a jeep. It was extremely fun but the girl sucked at it. She was embarrassed because she thought she looked cool holding the gun. There were many selfies taken by the girl while the boy beat many levels.



As they walked to her car she said, “I didn’t want to ask you until I met you because I didn’t know if you’d be cool but my little sister is having her 21st birthday party tonight, do you want to come?”



Unfortunately the boy said yes.



Arriving at the little sisters house, there were several girls staring into mirrors getting ready. The boy sat on the couch and started drinking. The girl was absorbed in a girl pack and was seen frequently throughout the night.



The house slowly filled up with 20-22 year olds. As the night went on, they drank more and more, waiting for midnight so they could all walk to a bar down the street. What the boy didn’t know at the time were there was two different boys at the party that believed they were the little sisters boyfriend. The dancer and the idiot.



Midnight rolls around and the little sister is too drunk to walk down the street. Her friends drunkenly get their car and driver her two blocks to the bar. About twenty of them came to the bar, drunk beyond reason, including our boy and girl. Arriving at the bar it became obvious to the boy that the dancer was some famous idiot from TV. People crowded around asking for autographs. After that died down the boy sat at a table with the dancer and several other boys. The girl stood with her little sister, and the idiot at the bar.



The dancer spoke, “Today has been beautiful guys! Really amazing. I woke up today with a smile on my face because I knew it was my girlfriend's birthday. I went to this jewelry store and spent an hour picking out the most beautiful diamond necklace I could find. I came to my girl’s house and gave it to her. She loved it. I know we are going to be together for a long time. She’s really special.”



The dancer looked around and found his girlfriend at the bar with her tongue shoved down the idiot’s throat. They all saw it at the same time and the dancer screamed. The scream was not a scared scream, it was an angry scream.



He stood up and flipped the table over. Drinks went flying, people started running, the bar was in panic. The dancer punched the walls and cried. Everyone in the bar poured out into the street at once. People were screaming, people were crying, and everyone was confused. The boy saw the girl laying in a gutter holding her sister as she vomited, crying. The dancer paced in circles screaming.



This is the moment where the boy realized two things, 1. He was not going to have sex tonight, nor did he want to. And 2. he had no ride home. He had to wait it out. As the night progressed from 12:30 to 1:30, 2, 3, 4am a series of boring and horrible things happened. There was an hour waiting in a hallway while the little sister insisted she forgot her keys (which were later found on her person). There was more vomiting, more crying, and little weed smoking.



Around 4:30am the girl dropped the boy off at his house. As she unlocked the car door she said, “We’ll it wouldn’t be a real night out with my sister unless it ended with one or both of us crying and vomiting.”



The boy did not call the girl for a second date.



Got your own Tinder Tale? Send it to us, if it's good we'll print it! email us here= Sup@killprettymagazine.com