Hello Patriots. As towns, counties, and even entire states lock down over a so-called surge in coronavirus numbers, it’s up to you to show the American people that we’re living in a hypno-state controlled by a fear-based media that wants to keep us inside so we can consume hundreds of holiday movies produced by liberal outposts like Netflix, Lifetime, and The Hallmark Channel. Most of the sheeple brainwashed by liberal media stalwarts like CNN and GOOP don’t even know they’ve been put under the spell of these bleeding heart wizards. It’s up to you and people like you (although it’s important to remember that you’re a unique and special individual) to pull America’s collective head out of its collective hindquarters and prove that COVID-19 is more like COVID-0, and that we’re all just living in a state of government/media/evil-robot(?) inspired panic.

Host A “Licking Party”

This one is easy. Invite as many like-minded individuals as you can to an abandoned warehouse or basement and lick each other to prove that there’s no such thing as an illness that can be spread through bodily fluids. Aside from owning the libs, you’ll get to lick at least 10 people.

Drink From The Spit Chalice

Every town has one, bejeweled goblet in which the town’s spit is stored. Slurp down a big mouthful to show your neighbors how sane and healthy you are.

Get A Tattoo Using Blood Drawn From A Friend Who Tested Positive For The “Coronavirus”

Tattoos are no longer just for skateboarders and sailors, everyone is rocking a backpiece these days, baby. Why not look stylish and sane by having a local artist ink you up with a depiction of President Trump wailing on a guitar or feasting on a bald eagle? The ink? It’s the blood of someone who claims to have tested positive for the coronavirus. There’s nothing crazy about that.

Pay Strangers To Cough In Your Mouth

Fear-brained folks are already giving all of their good coughs to COVID testing sites around the world for free - and they’re waiting in line for hours to do it! Why not prove the world wrong about coronavirus while giving them an incentive? Just set up a coughing station on any street corner or in the parking lot of a local Wal-Mart and give out a dollar a cough. Is there a better way to give back to the community while proving that there’s a global conspiracy to keep people in their homes for some reason? No, no there is not.

Inject Yourself With The “Coronavirus”

You know it’s not real, we know it’s not real, so why not walk up to the CDC and just ask for a vial of this so-called “coronavirus” so you can inject it into your veins? Those eggheads will be so shocked that a patriot called them on their BS that they won’t know what to do. For a double-dose of kick ass, make sure to inject yourself with “COVID-19” live on YouTube. You wouldn’t want anyone to miss this monumental moment in patriotism and lib-owning. Once you survive the injection unscathed and live a completely normal and long life, you’ll never have to wear a mask in public again.

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.