Things I'm Going To Buy With My New Credit Card by Jacob Shelton

After over ten years of having non-existent to bad credit, I’ve finally done it. I’ve tricked a company into giving me a credit card. Before I won my new magic card, I assured myself and anyone who would listen that I would only use my free money for good. That I would use it to fix my car, to buy a plane ticket to visit my mother, to save a small orphan in Guatemala. But all of that’s out the window now that I have the actual card in my hands. I can feel its monetary power coursing through my veins, the numeral indentions are whispering to me, sending me to and telling me to look up expensive pounds of coffee.

The prices on Amazon are inexpensive, sales abound. These are the prices of commoners. Someone with my line of credit (over $500) should be paying top dollar for their items. Shopping online is proving to be the general store of the common man, and I am no longer the 99%. I will take to the streets of Beverly Hills and Rodeo Drive to find the items that suit a gentleman like me. These items include:

·      Tires

·      A gold watch

·      16 Pairs Of Socks, Each With Different Animal Designs That I Can Change Depending On My Mood.

·      The Coffee That I Was Searching For Earlier

·      A Diamond Tattoo (this is a tattoo made out of diamonds and not a tattoo in the shape of a diamond).

·      Expensive Sheets

·      More Expensive Sheets

·      A Mean Bird

“Do you take plastic?” I imagine saying to the stuffy cashier as I waggle my credit card under their snooty nose. “Ten cents extra for a bag? Go ahead, tack it on.” They might even be so astonished with my bravado that they’ll forget to add the cost of the bag. What a relief. That ten cents extra really gets on my nerves.

When all is said and done, I’ll return home with my things and stash them in a pile under my closet floor, where I’ll trot them out on weekends to bask in their capitalistic glory. I can already feel the cold hard wood sticking to my back as I pour silk animal print socks, and loose coffee beans across my body. The crunch of the free plastic bag echoes through my ears and it sounds sweeter than a siren’s song.  I am now the man I always wanted to be, and it’s all thanks to one little plastic card.