10. Make sure that your car is an ecosystem. Coffee cups, moldy mason jars, sun-bleached parking passes, a small beetle infestation. The beetles, or something like them, are key. You want shit crawling on people who enter your car, because then they are also trash, and you are not alone. One of us, one of us, one of us.
9. Bedbugs, you want these. Ideally, have them in your home AND your car, so you can overlap numbers 10 and 9- the key is both diversification and
8. Repeatedly dodge chlamydia.
7. Be middle class, but so lazy and resentful of our capitalist skull-fuck of a world that even your privilege barely gets you anywhere.
6. Complain constantly about how capitalism is skull-fucking everyone (it’s not untrue, but you’re going to look like a disingenuous douchetrain, you white-ass fuck.)
5. Make sure to tell people about how you don’t subscribe to the social mores that they do and that you’re different and you “don’t give a fuck what people think” while actually just being a misogynist suckbag.
4. Have a graduate level education paid for by your parents which barely gets you a barista or a bar-back gig.
3. Coke. Molly.
2. Shitty stick
1. Make sure you’ve actually almost been something in the past, like a social worker or