Elf On Da Shelf W/ The Weekend Pilots!

Kill Pretty is now in dirty dealings with everyone's favorite comedy band The Weekend Pilots! Every month we will be writing an article inspired by one of their songs.

This month they threw us a X-mas song and even though we hate X-mas we love evil killer dolls so we went with it.


For those of you who don’t know what Elf on a Shelf is, count yourself lucky. Your parents didn’t feel like torturing you or haunting your dreams. Humans that haven’t experienced the joys of Elf on a Shelf sleep well at at night, well, they at least grow up to not be locked up in insane asylums or wander the streets mumbling to themselves about the creatures in the night that watch them.

This toy is for spoiled brats and parents that don’t want to have to actually watch their children to make sure they don’t torture the household cat.

The idea behind it is that you buy this doll(elf) that supposedly watches your child and reports back to Santa on their daily behavior throughout the year, even though Santa is supposed to be doing that. Lazy, fat fuck. It says in the song that he sees you when you’re sleeping and he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good….So what the fuck does he need this stupid little elf for? For parents with brats. Brats that want even better presents ‘cuz they’re shits. If he knows if you’re naughty or nice, then what’s the point of the elf? So he knows you’ve been “super” good? So you get an iphone6 instead of an iphone5?

This was created by someone seeking revenge for having been shown Child’s Play when they were 4. They’ve lived their entire life being chased in their nightmares by the spirit of Charles Lee Ray and they’re hoping it will make a new generation of children as miserable as they are, or somehow possibly piss off Don Mancini in some way. They can’t watch a porn now without someone strangling a doll or popping out of the shadows while screaming with a knife in hand so they’re exacting their revenge in doll fashion.

Bottom line, don’t have children. It’s a surefire way to never have to deal with Elf on a Shelf. Unless you go over to your brother or sisters house for Christmas and they think they just found the newest thing. God I fucking hate that. “Have you seen this! It’s awesome!” That shit came out a million years ago and no one cares about David After Dentist you stupid shit! You have kids! Stop trying to be cool. It’s over. Accept it. I would.