Fuck Pirates of the Caribbean


Art By  Madison Girifalco

Art By Madison Girifalco

-Why are the pirates clothes cursed?

The moon reveals the cursed pirates as decayed bone people, but why do their clothes change?  From, you know, piratey, to super ripped up.  Can they not change their clothes?  Or no matter if they change their clothes, the new outfit, in turn, becomes cursed?

-Why is the ship cursed?  

The pirates are cursed because they stole gold that was cursed.  I get it.  Why is the ship cursed?  The ship didn’t steal anything.  Even when the curse is lifted, the ship stays looking like shit.  I don’t think that’s very fair to the ship.

-Is it really a curse?

The pirates can get stabbed, shot, etc. without dying.  How is this a curse?  And they would live forever.  Ever heard of vampires?  Every teenager in America wants to be one of those, so why do these pirates want to be mortal again?  

-Why no eye patches?

There isn’t one person with an eye patch.  You got peg legs, a guy with a monkey, a guy with a parrot….No eye patches.  WTF?!  There is even a perfect candidate.  The dumbass with the fake eye.  Give him a patch.

-White wigs?

The only thing they did to age Commodore Norrington and Governor Weatherby Swann from the opening scene was change their wigs from brown, to white.  Lazy much?


The young version of Keira Knightley (Elizabeth Swann) is littered with freckles.  Keira Knightley has none.  Freckles don’t go away.  Ever.  Just ask Lindsay Lohan’s arms.  


There’s only pirates and the English.  No natives.  This movie could have been filmed anywhere.  Even if it was filmed there, there’s nothing to significantly point out that it’s taking place in the Caribbean.

-Green apples?

Why is there fruit on the Black Pearl (in Barbossa’s captain quarters)?  The ghost pirates don’t eat.  Even better, at 2 hours-1 minute-55 seconds, “Captain” Jack Sparrow kills Barbossa and after a sword fight ending with him getting shot, to which he reaches up with both hands to pull away his jacket to view the bullet wound, he falls to the ground to release a green apple from his hand.  What your telling me is, that after a five minute long sword fight, and after finding out that he’s going to die, this pirate guy pulls an apple from his person, which he’d been carrying around with him (even though he doesn’t eat), so he could release it from his hand for dramatic effect?  Holy Fuck!  You Suck!

-Worst movie ever?


-Who directed this?

No one cares.

-Orlando Bloom, Gay?

Mos Def.

-Keira Knightley (personal vendetta)?

I challenge you to find a picture of Keira Knightley SMILING/SHOWING HER TEETH around the age of 10.  She’s English, I guarantee she had fucked up teeth.  But there are no pictures of her in her youth, smiling.  I propose that, like Madonna’s porno, she made that shit disappear.  She paid to remove all photos of her janky donkey mouth from the internet.

If it wasn’t bad enough that some bitch with cobwebs in her snooch had the ride at Disneyland changed hoping that she wouldn’t have to continue crying herself to sleep at night, they went and defiled it further by making this movie.  Then after these pieces of crap come out, they alter the ride further so that “Captain” Jack Sparrow is in the ride “3 times!” and after you go through a shitty mist with Davy Jones’ face projected on it.

Worst movie ever that people love.  

This and Transformers.  

They learned everything we know from the internet, yet they still talked like fucking retards.  I understand they talked that fucking slow so all the dumb fucking kids in the audience could follow the complicated plot, but holy shit, Optimus Prime sounds like he has down syndrome.

Fuck Pirates of the Caribbean and fuck this whole day.  I’m gonna get drunk.