2015 has begun, and as Kill Pretty’s resident music know-it-all/sass machine, I think it’s important that we cleanse ourselves of the negative vibes of 2014 as we prepare for the even worse vibes coming in 2015. We can all admit that last year was mostly terrible. Save for a few personal highlights (a couple of friends got married and I ate the world’s largest hot dog), 2014 was full of terrible news. The police murdered people in the streets, we were tricked into caring about a Seth Rogen film, and an entire airplane disappeared. Worst of all, we were inundated with some truly awful music. If you read my last column you’ll know that I liked a few songs last year but that's about it.
This list was compiled by cross referencing five "Bands To Watch in 2014" lists that I found on the internet. And yes, one of the lists was Seventeen's, "Cutest Bands of 2014."
DEAD BANDS WALKIN':
10. The 1975
Can’t you just see The 1975’s manager trying to figure out how to make these failed models ugly enough to appeal to the modern indie music realm?
“Do I give them terrible hair cuts or gouge one of the singer’s eyes out?” It was a tough call and I’m not sure he did the right thing.
These guys are definitely going to be over by February when the lead singer starts a failed solo career. Don’t worry fans of the 1975 (all three of you), he’ll return for their big comeback record in 2017.
I don’t know who these Drowners are. When I first saw their name on a couple of the above mentioned lists, I thought they were a reformed Drowning Pool. Upon closer inspection, it’s another group of failed models with androgynous haircuts.
Their music is okay - they’re no Johnny Marr, but if they came on at a party I wouldn’t disappear down the fire escape. It’s a shame that in front of a massive crowd at SXSW half the band will show up wearing all white, while the other half will be dressed in all black, causing an irreparable split.
8. Twin Peaks
"Normal guy, I’m just here to chill, bro party" indie rock sure took off last year didn’t it? After having to watch Twin Peaks’ ugly mugs in this music video I’m beginning to miss the 1975. Between Mac Demarco, Diving, and Twin Peaks, I’m not sure which band is uglier. Luckily, in April, the bass player for Twin Peaks will get reconstructive surgery on his entire body, forcing the rest of the members to disband in shame.
Look, hip hop groups NEVER last. The best you can hope for is to have a career as charmed as Wu-Tang and end up dining out on your debut album for the rest of your life. Unfortunately, Ratking doesn’t have a RZA (or even a Masta Killa) and in May, beat maker “Sporting Life” will leave the group to found a Decemberists cover band.
This group may have the best website name in the game (www.kanyewet.biz) but that won’t help them when, in June, Jamie XX challenges them to a minimalist street fight at 4AD records. You know the rules: two three person electronic bands enter, one three person electronic band leaves.
At the moment things are going quite well for Eagulls. But everything changes in July when the temporal wormhole that they traveled through reopens during a gig in Baltimore, sending them back to 1981 where they’ll toil in obscurity and eventually disband. Look closely and you’ll see founding members of Simply Red and Clan of Xymox rocking out in their video for Tough Luck.
4. Fat White Family
Fat White Family is an interesting band. Their music doesn’t mesh with anything else from 2014, and almost eschews pop rules altogether. This makes everything all the more depressing when, in August, Mick and Desnard (the dual drum machine players and main song writers) leave the group to back One Direction on their “Hey Dummies, Give Us Your Money” tour.
In September, on the eve of their breakthrough mainstream success, a horrible jean short accident occurs at a rooftop party in Brooklyn. 15 interns are split down the middle after trying to squeeze into the new Acid Stone Washed Super Tight Jeanz Shorts by American Apparel during CHVRCHES performance of, “Everybody Wear Them New Acid Stone Washed Super Tight Jeanz Shorts by American Apparel.” An unfortunate title in retrospect.
2. Speedy Ortiz
Things are going well for Speedy Ortiz in October. But when singer and guitarist, Sadie Dupuis, suggests that the band actually learn how to play their instruments before recording the follow up to 2013’s “Major Arcana” the group kicks her to the curb. Dupuis will go on to front “The Speedy Drowners,” a super group with the guys who showed up wearing all white to a gig earlier in this post.
1. Circa Waves
Despite deriving their name from two bands that are slightly more popular, things in 2015 go pretty smooth for Circa Waves. But everything comes to a disastrous end in November, when after ingesting the contents of 200 pixie sticks, 15 year old singer Kieran Shudall drives his Fiat off the Tower of London. The rest of the band returns to primary school to focus on their O Levels.