When you're not the Popular Roomate Anymore By Brian Thompson

I’ve lost the reign of “King Swinging Dick” in my household. We all live in a huge house together and I was once the golden child of my 14 roommates lives when I came home. They were like hungry little puppies yearning for attention and lapping up every stupid story I would bring home. What was work like? Who was that girl you brought over last week? Can you drive me to the pharmacy to get my prescription filled?

It can be quite the party house, but ever since this 83 year old douche bucket Milton moved across the hall he’s been playing his goddamn “Rat Pack” records at all hours of the morning and stealing my house friends. He doesn’t even have a fucking driver’s license anymore!

I get why some of the guys gravitate towards him. He’s funny, and he always has heroine. I’m alone in my room right now listening to “Let Her Cry” by Hootie and the Blowfish trying to not get emotional while I listen to them in Milton’s room jamming out to a dubstep version of the “Star Spangled Banner” while smoking black tar. I can be happy at least knowing that some of those Benedict Arnold’s will be dead in ten years as long as modern science doesn’t step in.

Unless heroine makes you stronger? Shit I never thought of that.

Okay plan B. I have to kill Milton before old age does and he takes all of my friend’s to the grave with him. How though? He never sleeps, and I mean never! I’ve stumbled in drunk multiple times to find him sitting on the porch knitting away at 4am. If I strike it would have to be after he has dinner around 4 or 5pm. but he’s always so high on H that he never eats. I tried to poison him once with eggs and bacon and he said he “already had some pussy earlier and wasn’t hungry.”

That bastard is like a Skeletor robot. He doesn’t even use the bathroom. He just shits his pants. He’s done it in front of my dates on numerous occasions to see if they’ll help change him, the sly geriatric fuck. I’m the young guy. I’ve got 53 years on Melton, I’m the one that showed the guys gucci tracksuits. I’m the one that lets them smell my fingers after I’ve had a lady friend over. But on the real, Milton can suck my DICK!