Which Hunk Should Be Elected to the SCOTUS? By Jacob Shelton

Unless you’ve had your head under a rock (or you’re just a big ol’ dummy), last week Justice Antonin Scalia died, which is a bummer for his friends and family but very fun for those of us who thought he was a Grade A creep. But I’m not here to eulogize and discuss the past; I’m here to look to the future, baby. Someone has to replace Justice Scalia on the bench of the Supreme Court, and I think it’s high time that we had a hunk flexing his pecs under those big black robes. Luckily, there are at least five qualified hunks who can fill the vacancy left by that big ol’ plate of Scalia and meatballs.

Trevor

Woah, Trevor is stacked you guys. I would trust him to uphold our most basic freedoms.

Reed

Even though Reed probably hates women’s reproductive rights, are you going to say no to those washboard abs?

Max

Cheer up Max, you don’t have to wear the robe every day.

Shaun

Ooga booga, Shaun is the one nomination for SCOTUS that’s agreed on by both parties and I think you know why - he has an incredibly bipartisan voting record.

Pronson

Pronson once ate an entire shrimp cocktail before setting an orphanage on fire, but what Supreme Court Justice doesn’t have a few skeletons/burned orphans in the closet?