Dr Riches Failproof Bacon and Codeine Hangover Cure

  Art by   Tomas Brewer

Art by Tomas Brewer

If enough people believe a "hangover" cannot be beaten, then that belief will sustain itself.  I have squashed that belief.  Squashed it with bacon and codeine. Provide them with the means, and they will test it, for it is an element of our lives that plagues us all. Please read forth.

Many have awoken to burning eyeballs, shitting themselves, and thinking "Fuck, I've lost my job because there's no way I can compose myself in order to retain my current position.”  I have, unfortunately, awoken next to many things I wasn't quite sure were human after a night of most likely having coitus(that's "fucking" in layman's terms).

This planet offers the rule of 3 for those striving to stay alive: 3 minutes without air, 3 days without water (assuming you have food), and 3 weeks without food (assuming you have water).

I offer the "Rule of 2".

The perfect formula to beating a hangover exists, but must be taken in sets of 2's within the first 2 hours you awaken.


List of accoutrements:

-2 pain killers, preferably 300mg codeine.

-2 beers, preferably disregard "Light" beers (unless you're a girl or a dandelion floating in the breeze).

-2 antacid tablets.

-2 bacon strips (cooked).

-2 extra fresh breath mints, for your stank ass breath.


1.  Stumble over the hooker as you get out of bed and smack your head on your dresser. Once you regain consciousness, pick up both the fuckin' painkillers off the carpet and pop those bitches in your mouth. Then shut the shades 'cuz the sun fucking kills your eyes.

2.  Flip your oven on and throw the bacon in(It'll work out, you're drunk still from last night and you're made of magic).

3.  Stuff an antacid in your first beer.  Pound it while you scrub your shitty asshole in the shower.  Get out of said shower and eat your burnt bacon.

4.  Shove that other antacid in your second beer and chug 'cuz you’re already late for work. (Note: If you end up puking in your sink, don't even think, just shove it back down your throat. Your body needs it's sustenance. This is game time and every bit counts.)

5.  Turn off the oven because your fire alarm is going off.  Throw on pants and a shirt while you fumble out the door chewing what you assume are mints, but are most likely ecstasy.

And that is the 100%, full proof, solution to every future hangover that you could ever have.

Be well my friends.