An Excerpt From Spider Log 189

To read the full article you gotta buy the mag!!! Get it HERE!

Being a web slinging super hero isn’t as easy you’d think. A ild case of the beer shits and alack for real human connection come standard with the job. It’s 11:30 and my phone won’t stop ringing. Kill Pretty wants an interview with the greatest protector this city has even known and I can’t find my fucking pants. Not feeling up to going under ground without being elevated, I down two tall cans and smoke a spidey joint before carring on with my endeavor.

I ride the train for free because this city owes me. There are countless citizens I’ve saved from the clutches of monotony while strolling down the boulevard with nothing to stare at but souvenir shops and hobos pissing in the corner. When I arrive at the Highland/Hollywood station there’s a crispness oin the air with a hint of desperation, and maybe rat poop. No sign of Megatron, Iron Man, or Silver Spray Paint All Over his Face And Suit Man. They must be upstairs saving society for dollar bills like modern day mercenaries who you hire for your shitty tourist pictures hen family comes to visit you and… oh shit I blacked out for a minute.

I might have drank too much… or maybe I’m still just drunk from the night before… or maybe this weed is laced with some other shit ‘cause mother fuckin’ kids are lookin’ at me like I’m some kind of drunk asshole instead of the hero they all worship. They’ve made movies about me god damnit! I’m givin’ out thumbs ups tellin’ kids not to do drugs knowing that’s their only escape from reality unless they get bit by a radioactive spider like me… Shit, I’m doing it again. Okay I just gotta find Nacho and that bearded bastard from last night that agreed to meet me here and get this over with so I can return to my web.I’m 45 minutes late ut I know they wouldn’t leave a spider hanging…

Wanna read the full article!? You gotta buy it HERE!!!

An Excerpt From Our Interview With Doug Stanhope

DS: I was just searching midget porn.

KP: For any specific reason or just to get off?

DS: I’m trying to buy DVDs of weird porn and I’m like, “How do you buy porn?” I can’t remember the last time I bought a hard copy DVD porn. We do porn and eggs parties, occasionally, for brunch. Last time we had a vintage porn that someone had sent us, like 1940’s shit, then there’s the potluck and… yeah.

KP: That shit’s crazy how they had to reel it on a reel and then set up a projector just to get 10 to 30 seconds of soundless porn.

DS: Yeah, but it wasn’t like that, it was more “burlesque,” girls stripping, it was just weird what we had, but it was funny. And then we waited as the day wore on and everyone got drunker and then we switched it out for hardcore tranny porn. So people noticed, “Oh, jeez,” but they stayed. So now it’s, “What do we want to do for the next one?” Do we do amputee porn, fatties, grannies - it can’t be regular porn. It’s gotta be weird on some level.

KP: You were probably jacking off in the ‘80s when you had to buy those boxes or rent them at video stores

DS: Yeah, in the ‘80s I had to rent them, but I had to go down to the liquor store when I lived in LA in the ‘90s and then they had them about cigarettes behind the counter. “What’s the title on that one? Yeah, I guess it can be that one. Just give me the longest compilation. I’ll fast forward.”

KP: Was it a lot harder to find really weird shit at that time or could you still find the weird amputee midget stuff?

DS: Well, when you were in a video store, they would have that back section and you could browse, but not like today. You couldn’t click on Youporn and type in a fuckin’ word.

KP: I’m really into psychedelics and as you can tell, the magazine is pretty psychedelic. I know you stopped taking them for a while and I’ve heard you talking about them again.

DS: I feel like I should the same way I feel like I Should get out and exercise more. I just hate doing it. Once I’m tripping, I’m glad I did. Just thinking about tripping, “Fuck, that’s like eight hours.” I hate puking and occasionally I’ll puke in the beginning. Drinking, at the end you go, “Oh, I’ll never drink again.” Psychedelics at the beginning you go, “Oh I don’t know if I want to go through with this.” At the end you’re like I’m so glad I did it.”

Need the rest of Doug’s story? You gotta buy the mag! Buy it HERE!

The Five Best Hangover Cures To Try In Your 30s

The Five Best Hangover Cures To Try In Your 30s

I hate to be the person to break the news to you, but you’re getting old. If you’re like me, you’re well into your 30s, and you can’t drink like the young dum-dum you once were. Whether you’re double fisting tall boys all night, or day drinking rosé with your crew, you’re going to be suffering the next day. The easiest way to make sure you don’t have a hangover is to stop drinking, but we both know that’s not going to happen. So until you suddenly become responsible, or die from a liver explosion, here are the best ways to get rid of the pounding in your head and the rumbling in your stomach.

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Drug Slang for the Week of June 11 - 17

Drug Slang for the Week of June 11 - 17

Each week, Rocko D. writes into Kill Pretty to let the audience know about the newest slang for buying, taking, and dealing drugs. While we at Kill Pretty don’t condone Rocko D.’s lifestyle, we do appreciate the space he fills on our site, and his desire to keep you - our customers - safe.

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The Best Friend You Ever Had - Weed Delivery In New York By Jon Benito

The Best Friend You Ever Had - Weed Delivery In New York By Jon Benito

Five years ago I met this guy at this loft party in Brooklyn. It was July 1st and I had literally just gotten off the plane from Florida. I spent the month of June following every Pride week between Orlando and South Beach, and ended the parade with a week long music conference of the EDM variety. It was the kind of month where everyone talked about snow, but it never snowed. He had over heard me talking about my adventure in South Beach, which ended with this methed out dude in pink denim daisy dukes, a wife beater, and just socks, no shoes, following me down  A1A grabbing his junk.

We began talking, exchanging stories, until he decided to open his bag and pulled out a rather large ziploc bag full of jewel cases packed with herb. He handed me a business card and said, "I work for Jack, and don't ask me who Jack is 'cuz I know jack shit."  Apparently, he worked for one of those delightful delivery services. The kind where you call a number within the five boros of New York City, and an angry man picks up the phone. He demands your name and address and says thirty minutes. Then just like that, two or three hours later a guy is in your apartment pulling out various strains of cannabis to choose from at a premium price. Very illegal, which makes it very convenient. You don't have to leave your house! Regardless, over the past several years we got to know each other real well. It took a while, but after four years, he finally agreed to answer some questions...

Jon:  Start off with how you got started?

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Dr Riches Failproof Bacon and Codeine Hangover Cure

 Dr Riches Failproof Bacon and Codeine Hangover Cure

If enough people believe a "hangover" cannot be beaten, then that belief will sustain itself.  I have squashed that belief.  Squashed it with bacon and codeine. Provide them with the means, and they will test it, for it is an element of our lives that plagues us all. Please read forth.

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