It’s not that my mother and I have the best relationship. We don’t. It’s fine. Sometimes we talk once a week, and then I’ll just go months without speaking to her. It’s not a malicious thing, we just don’t have anything to say to one another. Speaking to my mom is like finding Bigfoot, the harder I try the less I hear from her. Inevitably, when I do get her on the phone she’s always got some new - and I’m not being malicious when I say this - creature in her life. These Sasquatch adjacent creeps fly in from the sky, or the woods of the Pacific Northwest and shack up with my mom for a while before doing what a cryptid does best and vanishes into the mist.

My mom has dated her fair share of UFO flying weirdoes and Loch Ness Monster wannabes, but there are five creatures from her past that really take the cake. Literally, one of them stole a cake from her. Who does that?

1 The Abominable Glen

Glen, or Abominable Glen I guess, you know what you did. My mom was making a cake for her neighbor and you ate the whole thing. First you lied about it and then you blamed my mom for making an ice cream cake. You said that if it weren’t so cold then it wouldn’t appeal to your abominable nature. Here’s the kicker Glen (I know you’re reading this because mom told me that you have a Google alert set for yourself), the cake was for your birthday. Stay out of my mom’s life.

2 Ghost Bear who also has vampire wings

I’m old enough to be OKAY with the fact that my mom had a one time fling with Ghost Bear who also has vampire wings. I don’t get it but I don’t make her choices for her. I don’t want my mom to join a convent or anything, but what I would like is for Ghost Bear who also has vampire wings to stop sending nudes to my mom.

3 Stagroth (fish deity)

Stagroth was a busy god. He had a whole political thing going on with the rest of the old ones, a cult masquerading as a fishing village on an island off of Spain to worry about, and a bunch of kids from a previous relationship. That’s all fine. I was honestly impressed for the first few weeks that he and my mom were together, but that’s when things changed. Stagroth didn’t get abusive, he didn’t start trying to sleep with my mom’s friends, but he did try and turn my mom into a clownfish. That’s not cool Stagroth, my mom was born the way she was which one might categorize as “not a clownfish.” Stay away from my mom.

4 Steve Martin

I don’t think I’m blowing the roof off of this story or anything by telling you that Steve Martin is a Bigfoot. You know that right? Well if you didn’t you do know so that’s your burden now I guess. That’s not my problem with this wild and crazy guy (or wild and crazy Bigfoot I guess), my problem is extreme gambling addiction. One time he bet my mom’s car on whether or not it would snow the next day. This was in summer. In Texas. When Apollo the sun god was in town. When he lost her car he wouldn’t even do the “excuuuuuse me” bit. I never thought I would be so disappointed about Steve Martin dating my mom.

5 Totomolo the Winged Worm

Look, Totomolo was nice to my mom and I appreciate it. But he was a 50 foot worm with wings and that’s just gross. The more I think about it the more nauseous I get. I hope you’re doing well Totomolo but I never want to see you again.