Taco Bell, the purveyors of fourth meal, feeders of stoners, teens, and stoned teens everywhere have no shortage of sodium-pumped delicacies waiting to be covered in Hot or Fire Sauce (or Mild, if you’re one of those people), before being shoved down your gullet. From time to time Taco Bell rolls out a new treat that’s so wonderful, so enticing that it’s too good for this world. Sometimes they’re local oddities, in other cases they’re national experiments that come and go in the span of a summer. Taco Bell may be the greatest fast food restaurant in the universe, but they’ll never win our undying love until they bring back these obscure menu items.

1. Chili Cheese Burrito

A simple delight amongst Taco Bell fanboys everywhere, the Chili Cheese Burrito is exactly what it sounds like – a flour tortilla filled with weird fake chili and melted cheese. The Bell brings this delicacy back to its menu every couple of years, but it should be a mainstay for those of us who like to take a late night trip to Chili Town. It’s long been rumored that some TBs keep the ingredients for a Chili Cheese Burrito on hand just in case someone has an off-menu order. To find out if your local Bell is one of these hotspots just saunter up to the counter and ask, “Can I get a first class ticket on the Chili Express?” They’ll know what to do.

2. The Volcano Slop Beefer

Who could forget this tour de force in a unique red taco bowl? Three ladles of the Bell’s patented “meat slop” dusted with chili powder and topped with extra cheese slop – was there any better way to fill up on calories than to order a Volcano Slop Beefer with extra slop? Real Slop-Heads knew to ask for extra green mayonnaise to make their slop taste just right.

3. Grilled Stuft Guacamole

During the summer of ’97, the Bell rolled out one of the greatest modern condiments known to man – Grilled Stuft Guacamole, better known to Bell Heads as “green mayonnaise.” An anonymous employee who worked at TB during that glorious summer claims that Grilled Stuft Guacamole was made by mixing mayonnaise and avocado before being pumped into pre-rolled burrito and deep fried. Then, it was wrung out of the tortilla like water from a washcloth before being dolloped into tiny to-go portions.

There are a number of websites that claim to have recreated the majesty of green mayonnaise, but so far no one has been able to accurately capture the precise umami this sauce added to every meal.

4. Glen’s Crunch Stuft Caesar Seafood Nachos

Glen Thamorfern worked at the Bickering, Illinois Taco Bell for five years, beginning his career as a late night drive-thru jockey and ending it in a hail of gunfire after he attempted to stop a nacho cheese robbery. In that time he created one of the most exquisite meals known to mankind – The Crunch Stuft Caesar Seafood Nachos.

By using shrimp, whitefish, and any extra chum he had at home, Glen would fill a mixing bowl with his proteins before covering them with Caesar dressing and mixing it all by hand. Then he smothered the fish mix on top of a pile of tortilla chips before glazing them in nacho cheese. R.I.P Glen Thamorfern, a true American hero.

5. The Fully Loaded Cinnamon Lava Glopper

No trip to the Big Bell in ’96 was complete without chowing down on a Fully Loaded Cinnamon Lava Glopper. Was it dessert? Was it an entree? All bets are off during fourth meal. After slurping down the nacho cheese, cod, and chocolate puree held in a cinnamon sombrebowl, you could wear it like a hat until you were ready to get your next fill of the Glop.

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.