How to Beat Depression If You’re A Complete Piece of Shit

Do you ever get down, sad or just lonely? Some people call it depression, my mom would just say ‘quit being a pussy like your father.’ I’ve been studying depression on myself for quite sometime and with the help of a cheating whore ex girlfriend – I hate you Rista! (K has been removed to protect that cheating whore). While there’s no cure for it, there are a few methods I would recommend before you decide to tie that belt around your ceiling fan like a man and make your Nanna cry when she comes home from church.  

1.Running

Running is a surefire way to clear your head from issues you might be facing. Not actual physical running, but running away from your problems. Ignore them, and pretend that they never happened. This also works for your credit score.

2. Drinking

If those bastard memories pop up in your head again, just drown them with alcohol. Make sure to listen to some sad songs that you and that human camel toe used to listen to, and when you start to cry (oh and you will) run to the mirror and call yourself a pussy, then sit in the shower and cry a little more. Just don’t be too loud or you’ll wake Nanna.

3. Meet Someone New

Meet someone new, but don’t have sex right away. Haha, yeah right, good luck! You only get depression pussy a few times in your life, and that’s a magical moment you should cherish. Unfortunately it’s always from someone with lower self-esteem than you. Afterwards remember to find a window to jump out of before they want to cuddle and talk about their limited edition Firby.

4. Take A Lot Of Drugs

Mushrooms : enough said they’re fuckin’ awesome. Now go outside and imagine that homeless guy’s tent across the street is a castle and make a new friend. You’re a knight.

5. Eat, You Fucking Pig

Eat, you’re gonna get fat and disgusting, and no one will want to date you or take you back, but you can bury all of those feelings with nachos, ice cream, and morning diarrhea. Who can think about feeling sad when you have the asshole burns? Zero out of five doctors agree, diarrhea is more effective than therapy. But who are you going to listen to, some dumb fucking doctor or me?