If you’re reading this it’s because a small part of you believes that not only are you uncool, but you’re extremely uninteresting. Or maybe just boring. Here are Kill Pretty we do everything we can to make the world a more outrageous/strange/fun/stupid place, which makes us both exciting and cool. We don’t make the rules, that’s just the way it goes. Heck, we’re not even typing this right now, that’s how much we don’t need to read this article. The article is being “written” by speaking into a robot constructed specifically to deal with anything uncool. Let’s just cut to the chase. There’s nothing cooler than brevity.

1 Eat Trash

Your eyes do not deceive you. We want you to eat trash to show everyone how cool and exciting you are. What kind of trash, you ask. That’s up to you, playboy. How do you view trash? Is it sopping wet garbage pulled from a bin? Is it the ever exquisite fourth meal? Are you going to work your way through every item on the Cheesecake Factory menu? We can’t wait to see what you come up with.

2 Wear A Live Bird As A Hat

This is pretty self explanatory. No one at the KP office is doing this yet so if you start wearing a goose for a hat right now you can really get the jump on the rest of society.

3 Give Away All Of Your Money

We don’t mean that you should donate your money to refugees or people in specific areas of need, you should just hand it out to whoever’s closest at the time: friends, people on the street, a gorilla. Whatever. Stop worrying about money and give it away, not only is that a really cool thing to do, but once the stress of financial solvency drifts away from your brain you’ll inevitably feel cooler, thus making you cooler.

4 Build A Suit Of Armor Out Of Cactus And Start Referring To Yourself As “Mr. Cacti”

Once again, this is pretty self explanatory.

5 Stare Deep Into The Orb And Prepare To Be Judged

Nothing is more exciting than your first glance into The Orb. What will it tell you about yourself that you already know but you’re too afraid to admit? Will it cast you into the pit of vagueness? Will it shock you with a jolt of lightning? Will it transform you into a toad? There’s no way to know until you gaze deeply into The Orb and let it get all orby on you. Everyone at the KP office looks into The Orb, like, all the time so you should too.

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.