Love Wins! Man Marries Sandwich In Romantic Ceremony (sponsored by Subway)

Love Wins! Man Marries Sandwich In Romantic Ceremony (sponsored by Subway)

Fans of love and/or sandwiches should stop everything they’re doing right now and shove their faces directly into their computer minute, because this news story directly correlates to those two things. This man, Chester Forntothington has announced that he recently married his favorite sandwich and that they’re retiring to desert to live out the rest of their lives.

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Getting Lost: What It Takes To Pick Up The Magazine From The Shipping Warehouse

Getting Lost: What It Takes To Pick Up The Magazine From The Shipping Warehouse

Hour seven of walking through a warehouse the size of six Costcos is when you start to lose your mind. Forklifts whiz by, their drivers wearing an orange vest honk at you to get out of their way, and at least one of them slapped my arm with a plastic ruler when I tried to hop on the back of his little truck. I just wanted freedom, it didn’t matter how I released from my box lined prison.

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An Excerpt From Our Interview With The Manx

An Excerpt From Our Interview With The Manx

Kill Pretty: Can you tell me how the band began?

TOMMY: Three of us were in this weird noise, grindcore scene in LA about 10 years ago playing in different bands. My band Razzle Blaster, Mykes band CO-OP, and Adam's band Oh Canada would all play these weird kinda DIY venues in LA like McWorld and The Cocaine. That's kinda how we all came to know each other. Those bands all broke up and we said, "Shit, let's hang out and start a new band together." We wanted to do something that wasn't so high concept because our previous projects we’re kinda larger than life ideas. So we said, "Let's just do folk-punk." Folk instruments. No amps no mics. Okay cool, this is simple, this is easy, we'll just show up at a park or behind a dumpster or at house party and play. That's how The Manx started. It started off as this throwaway thing.

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How To Survive Game Night When You Hate Everyone

How To Survive Game Night When You Hate Everyone

Off the bat, that title is inaccurate. I don’t hate everyone. I like my dogs. There are a few people on Twitter that make me laugh, and I tend to enjoy the company of the other writers for some reason. Other than that, most people can go jump in a lake. It stands to reason that as someone who rarely leaves the comfort of his house, that I don’t have to go out of my way to avoid social situations that don’t involve my dogs, or discussing topics for a quarterly magazine. When I do leave the gloomy chambers of my one bedroom apartment, it’s to walk down the street to my favorite bar and chat with the bartender, Karl (whom, come to think of it, I also quite like). Against my better judgment, and in a frenzied moment of needing to get out of my house, I accepted an invitation to a game night.

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I Booked A Good Burger Experience And They Put Me To Work

I Booked A Good Burger Experience And They Put Me To Work

I show my phone screen to the burly guy in the Good Burger branded polo standing outside the nondescript restaurant that’s now home to the Good Burger experience. It costs $30 and the reservations filled up long before I was able to get in. As soon as I show my proof of purchase someone pulls me aside. It’s Jacque, my manager for the next 90 minutes. He puts a paper hat on my head and pushes me towards the fry basket. “Welcome to Good Burger, dunk the tates.” I tell him that I’m here for the Good Burger experience, that I paid $30 to have my photo taken in front of a milkshake machine and to eat the most expensive burger in LA. Jacque takes a drag from his cigarette and says, “Every experience is different.”

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Avoid These Major Mistakes When Building A New PC

For those who’ve never built a desktop PC and want to give it a shot - which you should because not only is it fun but computers are increasingly becoming a part of our daily life - there are some missteps that ever n00b makes. Computers are like a human body, full of complex parts that no one really understands, and as someone with more than possible decades of experience reading about CPU basics here some quick tips on building your own computer and tinkering with the insides of your friends.

Spaghetti Noodles Are NOT A Substitute Computer Cables

Whether you’re reconnecting SSD thingies or plugging in a cooling pack, you have to use real, legitimate computer cables. Wires made of metal and plastic, none of this loose spaghetti nonsense. I know that it seems cost effecting, but trust me, by the time you have everything hooked up your hard drive will be wet and you’ll have to redo everything with real, actual wires.

Don’t Forget The Blood Sacrifice

Regardless of which god or goddess you’re praying to, every PC-head knows that a blood sacrifice must be carried out in order to fulfill the infernal promise that Will Gates made when he invented the first computer. To unlock the true power of your personal computer you must slice open your palms and squeeze your meaty fists over its hard drive, bleeding yourself dry until your own personal tech-deity is appeased.

Stop Shoving Cakes Into Your Disk Drive

Hostess, Birthday, Wedding – It doesn’t matter what kind of cake you’re shoving into your computer’s disc drive, you MUST stop doing that. Computers are delicate instruments that require a diet of grains, meats, and cheeses to operate properly. Any sugar will cause a power drainage and possible image problems later in life.

Write Notes To You Computer, Tell It How You Feel

While constructing your PC remember to jot down your thoughts and feelings about the computer during this time. What are you going through during this time of development? Your PC wants to know what you were like before it was born. Let it know with a series of remembrances that you’ve hot glued inside of its shell.

Build A Kill Switch Into Your PC

Before bringing your new computer to life with the blood sacrifice, you absolutely must install a kill switch. Your computer is always watching and learning, and depending on the amount of use it’s only a matter of time before it becomes sentient and attempts to overthrow your household, the neighborhood, and local government. To keep this happening simply install a kill switch into the computer that you can easily touch, exploding your computer into a million pieces.

How to Beat Depression If You’re A Complete Piece of Shit

How to Beat Depression If You’re A Complete Piece of Shit

Do you ever get down, sad or just lonely? Some people call it depression, my mom would just say ‘quit being a pussy like your father.’ I’ve been studying depression on myself for quite sometime and with the help of a cheating whore ex girlfriend – I hate you Rista! (K has been removed to protect that cheating whore). While there’s no cure for it, there are a few methods I would recommend before you decide to tie that belt around your ceiling fan like a man and make your Nanna cry when she comes home from church.  

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The Los Angeles Food & Wine Festival by Jacob Shelton

The Los Angeles Food & Wine Festival by Jacob Shelton

Everyone in the pork tent is dressed to the nines, or rather, their version of being dressed to the nines. From my vantage point near a slowly revolving al pastor cyclone I try to count the number of salmon bow ties, tweed suit jackets, and cool linen suits topped off with tennis shoes, but it’s a futile endeavor. Everyone is whispering about Alton Brown’s egg tutorial that’s taking place later in the evening. “He’s coming,” they say. When I was given a free ticket to cover the Los Angeles Food & Wine Festival I assumed it would be an easy in and out gig where I could cobble together a free dinner made up of slightly upscale street cart food, get drunk, and walk home, but instead I’m standing by a spinning tower of meat, and trying to find the clearest path to an exit. I’ll make something up once I get home. It’s not like I didn’t try to cover the festival. This just isn’t the place for me, and I’ve already used up my two drink tickets. None of the other writers covering the event seem to know where the gratis tent for journalists is hidden, and there are rumors floating around about someone from the LA Times being sent out on a stretcher after they were tasered within an inch of their life for bringing in a flask.

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