One year into the pandemic and it’s finally happening, I’m getting a vaccine. More to the point, I’m making my own vaccine with the help of the fine folks at Taco Bell. After months of back and forth with Yum Brands (of which Taco Bell is a subsidiary) I can finally announce that my personal vaccine will be available in three variations (X-tra Cheesy, Supreme, and Loco). But Jacob, you’re not a scientist. I know, that’s why my vaccine is going to be better than those available on the market at the moment. Dare I say that it’s going to rock? I do dare.

Initially I wanted to call my version of the vaccine “Jacob’s Kick Ass Vaccine Spectacular,” but the board at Yum Brands felt that the title could be offensive, both to groups of people who find coarse language unsavory and to those who’ve recently had their asses kicked. The company also bristled at using my name as a descriptor for the vaccine and that totally makes sense. I may have put together the correct amount of antigens, preservatives, and stabilizers, but Yum has given me this amazing opportunity to pair with Taco Bell to save lives so they should rightfully be able to put their stamp on the project. It’s corporate synergy and I love it. After bouncing some ideas off Yum’s media team, the board, and even testing a couple of names in Wichita and Memphis we were able to think outside the box and settle on something that matches Yum Brand’s and Taco Bell's corporate ethos without diminishing my core ethos: The Cheesy Vaccarito Supreme by Jacob®️. Who doesn’t want to have that slammed into their bod?

How are we rolling out The Cheesy Vaccarito Supreme by Jacob®️? Great question! Beginning with Yum Brand test locations like Wichita, Kansas, Memphis, Tennessee, and Columbus, Ohio, we’ll jab and review lucky customers who use the code: VACCINESUPREME. After three weeks a board of well intentioned and totally radical Taco Bell powerhouses will review customer feedback and if their responses dovetail with our initial estimates we’ll move forward with vaccinating Bell Heads in California, Texas, and Florida with the possibility of moving into Oregon, Maryland, Indianapolis, and industrial sections of North Dakota by the summer.

The best part about partnering with Yum Brands is their connection to the U.S. Senate and Congress. In 2019, the company spent $1,290,000 on lobbying with Fierce Government Relations, a lobbying agency that works specifically with fast food companies, but don’t let that turn you off. Through Yum’s connections, Taco Bell’s drive-thru employees won’t be tasked with undergoing the rigorous medical and safety training required by various private and federal healthcare professionals. Rest assured, they may be wearing purple and asking if you want more Mild, Hot, Fire, or Diablo sauce with your meal but they’re totally prepared to inject you with a lifesaving vaccine if you fit the requirements to receive The Cheesy Vaccarito Supreme by Jacob®️*.

To think, this time last year I was trapped in my apartment and gorging myself on Crunchwrap Supremes and washing them down with Mountain Dew Baja Blast. Now, I’m living the dream and working out new flavor combinations for Taco Bell’s ever evolving pharmaceutical branch at their global corporate headquarters in sunny Irvine, California. Keep Livin’ Mas.

*pregnant women over the age of 24, teens below the age of 17, adults with nine fingers, and adults who have been on or are thinking about going on the “Zone” diet should not receive The Cheesy Vaccarito Supreme by Jacob®️

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.