An Excerpt From Who Is Montezuma And Why Does He Take Revenge On My Asshole?

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I’m standing in line, waiting, on my way home from the bar, subtly swaying back and forth with my feet planted like cinder blocks at the bottom of the lake. It could be a minor pee-pee dance or just something to keep me distracted from the spins – I’m not entirely sure at this point. I’m just trying to maintain my composure. It’s almost my turn to order. I’m watching the couple in front of me, their arms intertwined with each other’s bodies as they order their food by numbers. They complete the transaction and move aside. It’s my turn.

 I step up. I watch the hair on the cashier’s upper lip dace as he moves his mouth, but I can’t make out the words he’s forming. “Chalupas,” I say, leaning on the counter, jamming my first in my pocket to scrounge up the loose change.

 He rings me up and I step aside. Transaction completed. I’m next to the Siamese couple, the one interlocked by tentacles of appendages. They’re laughing, talking, kissing. Hissing in each other’s ears like writhing snakes in a hotel bar. They’re in love; I envy them. They get their food and just like that they’re gone.

The cashier tells me my order is up and I take the bag. I sit down and eat immediately because if I don’t I’d probably pass out. What Taco Bell has so cleverly dubbed “fourth meal” is my first meal of the day. Food, if anything is hardly a convenience. They say it’s a necessity of life, but I’ve found you can get by without it. I’ve adopted an alternative list of life’s necessities. Then, if I can afford, it’s hard to make room in the budget for the human desideratum.

 The tacos go down as smoothly as spoiled milk. With every bite, I think about that story of the lady who hatched a herd of cockroaches in her mouth after eating Taco Bell. I swallow the last of the poor-grade meat and sour cream squeezed from a tube and play basketball with my wrappers and the trashcan shouting “Kobe” upon release, missing entirely.

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Five Obscure Taco Bell Items That Need To Come Back

Taco Bell, the purveyors of fourth meal, feeders of stoners, teens, and stoned teens everywhere have no shortage of sodium-pumped delicacies waiting to be covered in Hot or Fire Sauce (or Mild, if you’re one of those people), before being shoved down your gullet. From time to time Taco Bell rolls out a new treat that’s so wonderful, so enticing that it’s too good for this world. Sometimes they’re local oddities, in other cases they’re national experiments that come and go in the span of a summer. Taco Bell may be the greatest fast food restaurant in the universe, but they’ll never win our undying love until they bring back these obscure menu items.

1. Chili Cheese Burrito

A simple delight amongst Taco Bell fanboys everywhere, the Chili Cheese Burrito is exactly what it sounds like – a flour tortilla filled with weird fake chili and melted cheese. The Bell brings this delicacy back to its menu every couple of years, but it should be a mainstay for those of us who like to take a late night trip to Chili Town. It’s long been rumored that some TBs keep the ingredients for a Chili Cheese Burrito on hand just in case someone has an off-menu order. To find out if your local Bell is one of these hotspots just saunter up to the counter and ask, “Can I get a first class ticket on the Chili Express?” They’ll know what to do.

2. The Volcano Slop Beefer

Who could forget this tour de force in a unique red taco bowl? Three ladles of the Bell’s patented “meat slop” dusted with chili powder and topped with extra cheese slop – was there any better way to fill up on calories than to order a Volcano Slop Beefer with extra slop? Real Slop-Heads knew to ask for extra green mayonnaise to make their slop taste just right.

3. Grilled Stuft Guacamole

During the summer of ’97, the Bell rolled out one of the greatest modern condiments known to man – Grilled Stuft Guacamole, better known to Bell Heads as “green mayonnaise.” An anonymous employee who worked at TB during that glorious summer  claims that Grilled Stuft Guacamole was made by mixing mayonnaise and avocado before being pumped into pre-rolled burrito and deep fried. Then, it was wrung out of the tortilla like water from a washcloth before being dolloped into tiny to-go portions.

There are a number of websites that claim to have recreated the majesty of green mayonnaise, but so far no one has been able to accurately capture the precise umami this sauce added to every meal.

4. Glen’s Crunch Stuft Caesar Seafood Nachos

Glen Thamorfern worked at the Bickering, Illinois Taco Bell for five years, beginning his career as a late night drive-thru jockey and ending it in a hail of gunfire after he attempted to stop a nacho cheese robbery. In that time he created one of the most exquisite meals known to mankind – The Crunch Stuft Caesar Seafood Nachos.

By using shrimp, whitefish, and any extra chum he had at home, Glen would fill a mixing bowl with his proteins before covering them with Caesar dressing and mixing it all by hand. Then he smothered the fish mix on top of a pile of tortilla chips before glazing them in nacho cheese. R.I.P Glen Thamorfern, a true American hero.

5. The Fully Loaded Cinnamon Lava Glopper

No trip to the Big Bell in ’96 was complete without chowing down on a Fully Loaded Cinnamon Lava Glopper. Was it dessert? Was it an entree? All bets are off during fourth meal. After slurping down the nacho cheese, cod, and chocolate puree held in a cinnamon sombrebowl, you could wear it like a hat until you were ready to get your next fill of the Glop.

No, I do not want your soft taco - By Jacob Shelton

No, I do not want your soft taco - By Jacob Shelton

I appreciate what you’re trying to do Steven, I really do, but why don’t you hold on to that soft taco? It’s not that I’m not hungry, because it is lunch time and, admittedly, I get very hungry around this time of day. It’s just that I don’t want the soft taco that’s been sitting in the passenger seat of your Volvo for God knows how long. Yes, I’m aware that it hasn’t been baking under the rays of the sun, magnified by your non-tinted windows (I didn’t even know they made windows without tint anymore) for more than twenty minutes, but still.

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