Revolt of the Water Heaters

art by Tomas Brewer

art by Tomas Brewer

They say that if you take acid it stays in your spine forever. And that if you suffer a back injury later in life, it can be released and you’ll trip again. Do you think that’s true?

I came home from a long day at work. I tossed my keys on the entryway table and kicked off my shoes. I grabbed a beer next to some leftover pizza from the fridge and plopped down on the couch. “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about,” I thought to myself, as I settled in and turned on the t.v. “That’s what I’m talkin’ about,” I said out loud. Did that pizza have maggots on it? I flipped through the channels. Some lady burned a building down after her husband was run over by a garbage truck. Pass. Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. Pass. Some random makeover show. Now we’re talking. Ah, other people’s mediocre strifes against time. Perfect.

I was fully enveloped in an altercation between a hair stylist and a soon to be beauty queen when I heard a shuffle from somewhere in my house. I paused my current beloved program. I heard the shuffle again. I got up and began to search. I had not an idea as to where it was coming from. As I meandered, the cacophony became louder and it became apparent that it was coming from the garage. I edged toward my garage door as the thumping and bumping grew louder. My heart raced. Was I being robbed?

As I opened my garage door and flicked on the light switch, I caught sight of my water heater ripping itself from the wall. As it broke free of its lines, it shook itself off, like a dog shaking off water from it’s fur. It shifted, as if turning to look at me, then it shifted again and began shuffling towards the garage door. My mouth gaped open. It charged to the garage door and then broke through in a splintering explosion, leaving an almost perfect silhouette of itself. I heard a clunk-clunking on the street. I walked to the recently made opening and peered out. My water heater hobbled away down the driveway and into the street and joined a river of other water heaters marching down the boulevard. They were apparently making a break for it.