Science of the Swipe By Grubman

Mobile dating apps, while still in their infancy, have taken over the hearts, minds and fingers of almost everyone lucky enough to possess a smart device. Countless hours spent mining the minuta of potential partners, the details of datability, the chemistry, the compatibility, the instinct, the emotion. So many possibilities, so many paths to choose. One after another after another, in rapid fire, with little time to decode each decision. As quick as each flick may be, however, there is most certainly a science, if not an art, to the all-powerful, all-knowing swipe.


What follows are some high level details of the complex algorithm, or at least the variables therein, that are calculated in the 1-2-3 seconds that you spend processing which direction your thumb slides across the screen.   


1- Attractiveness. Call me shallow, call me insecure, call me an asshole, (just call me, please), but I do have certain standards of beauty when it comes to dating. Now, my idea of beauty has complex roots, many of which I don’t fully understand, and which is not at all what this article is about. Let’s just say that, like pornography, I love it when I see it. The quick calculation here  can be a challenge however. Unless there is proof to the contrary, level of attractiveness should always be based on the least attractive picture, the lowest common denominator. Some possible reasons to second guess this are two or more overwhelmingly attractive/authentic photos, an overtone of sluttiness, and/or some good sideboob action.  Baring any of those however, the least attractive picture is who they are.  That’s who will show up to your date.  That’s the picture your friends will see when you show them who you’re going out with, or who you kicked out of bed. She may look like a knockout in her bikini on top of that mountain glistening with sweat, but if she goes all Quasimodo belting out show tunes at her friend’s Karaoke dance party you know exactly what she is going to look like. Maybe hot, probably not.

2 - Potential. Is there a chance in hell you’ll actually match with this person? Ever since Tinder put a limit on the # of swipes, you can’t just swipe right on every Tinder 10.  (You best not be paying for Tinder you fucking loser. Paradoxical as it is, people who pay for Tinder should be kicked off Tinder for being pathetic and having too much money.) Seriously though what are the chances that this lingerie model who likes to travel and have a good time is going to swipe right on your smart funny handsome modest jew-nosed profile pic?  Slim to none.  Don’t fool yourself. Do right by your dick, not your delusions. (Your pussy, not your pipe dream, ladies.)

3 - Interests. Not saying you should only swipe right on girls who are into the Houston rap scene, Bernie Sanders, and the musings of @jakefogelnest, but does this girl share any interests with you at all? Will your nebbish and nuanced charm really be able to penetrate the hardened thickness of a personality that likes rock climbing, champagne, and USC football? Imagine what it would be like to hold a conversation with somebody who has the ignorant audacity to write “Work Hard Play Hard” or even “no hookups” on a dating profile. (Come on babe, if the Mcconaughey wanted to hook up you’d let him do whatever the fuck he wanted, all the while calling you his ex’s name.)  But now you want to buy this dumb girl a drink? Why don’t you just open the door to a pinkberry, toss a Jackson in and leave?  You’re already burning through so much of your alone time on Tinder, don’t waste your social charms, or lack thereof, on a basic bitch, no matter how blonde and buxom she might be.

4 - Weariness. Have you gone on enough dates yet? Have you met every possible type of person within 200 miles? Have you wined and dined enough members of the opposite sex to know that there is no match, no soulmate, no one out there for you. Have you come to terms with the fact that you may live out the rest of your sad life alone in your studio apartment? Is it time to delete Tinder, ditch what little hygiene you may possess and join a backwoods religious cult? Or maybe it’s time to join or Jdate and settle with some bore who needs to get married and have kids for their life to have any meaning. Maybe you should just get rid of your smart device. How’s this for a plan...Open up the Google Maps app on your phone, search for the nearest lake, drive to said lake, and then throw your phone as far as you can into that lake. Then take a walk around the lake and introduce yourself to everybody you come across. Who knows maybe you’ll meet a cute scientist.

5- DTF’ability.  If she looks DTF, forget everything else and swipe right.  Can’t really hurt can it?