Ten Foolproof Excuses For Avoiding Thanksgiving

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Thanksgiving sucks. Aside from being a holiday that low key celebrates the genocide of America’s indigenous people it also forces you to sit in a room with your family over a never ending series of savory dishes. Even if your family isn’t made up of MAGA C.H.U.Ds and anti-vaxxers there’s still a good chance that they’re annoying as hell to be around for more than a couple of hours. This year, parents are more desperate than ever to see their adult children sit around the turkey and drink the gravy. Rather than ignore their millionth phone call asking you to risk your life and lungs for an afternoon of cranberry bliss, try one of these foolproof excuses for avoiding the holiday.

  1. Mother, I have been turned into the Glamour Slug

  2. It happened again guys, I’m stuck on a yacht.

  3. The Amulet has me under its thrawl and I must cast my body into Greg’s volcano

  4. I’m still brining

  5. My fists have been enchanted and I’m afraid I’ll break father’s nose this year

  6. You know that I’m part turkey, how could you invite me to such a distasteful gathering?

  7. Mother, I am no longer the Glamour Slug, now I am the Wizard’s beastly pet

  8. I cannot attend your function for I have decided to go into hibernation until the world is well

  9. I would come to Thanksgiving but I’ve been buried alive by an avalanche of HD-DVDs

  10. Apologies family, but Black Friday beckons and I must find a new spanking stick for the Wizard

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.