The Wall aka Drinking like a Scientist instead of a Beast

Art by Travis Brewer

Art by Travis Brewer

I think I hit the wall last weekend. A friend was in town and we drank for three days straight. By three days I mean all day every day. And by the third day we were up till the sun rose walking like zombies through downtown LA fucked up and fucked. I got little sleep that night, waking up every 15 minutes like a lunatic. The next day was okay. I was tired and fuzzy. Not too bad. Little did I know the wall was still ahead of me. I was still coasting on fumes and hadn’t succumbed to the hangover yet. That night I got a perfect 8 hours. Like a fucking rock. Who knew what my body had in store for me?


I woke up in horror. My whole body ached. Ached like I had just run the mile 50 times with a rock in my shoe. Ached like I had been chewed up and spit out. My head hurt, I was dizzy and I was sweating hot and freezing cold. Was I sick? No, I was hung over and 30.


Yup. I’m 30. It’s disgusting I know. Everyone had always told me in my 20’s to enjoy the party while it lasts. “You wont be able to do it as well when you get to be my age. Pretty soon you hit a wall.” So here’s the fucking wall. Me, shivering cold, sweating my balls off not able to walk. Eating soup and watching Netficks all day like I just came back from climbing Mount Everest.


So what, I can’t drink anymore? I can’t have week long benders with my friends? Unless I want to feel like a cancer patient on radiation treatment for two days. What the hell am I supposed to do? Live sober?


Okay let’s stop.


Is living sober really even an option? I mean, yeah it’s an option in the yeah people do it arena. But people do a lot of stupid things and live a lot of different ways I don’t want to live. I know I don’t want to live sober.


Don’t get me wrong. I love being sober. I spend most of my time sober. But to never get fucked up….I mean come on. This life is just too fucked up and insane not to look at it through every lens possible. Plus getting fucked up is the best.

So I guess I can’t drink hard like I used to. Like, really hard. I have to balance it with a healthy dose of weed and water. I have to address getting fucked up like a scientist, not like a beast. Unless I want to suffer.

First off what’s the easiest way to get fucked up with the least amount of stress on my body? Straight liquor. No more beer. Beer just takes too much liquid to process. Also when you drink beer you’re not thirsty. Cause you get thirsty and you think, “time for another beer!” Instead I’ll be like, “But no, I’m not drinking beer, better drink water!” The more water I drink the better I’ll feel tomorrow. Plus it will make processing all the liquor easier on my liver (none of this is true, just a guess. Makes sense to me!)

The weed helps two fold. First off the best way to shake a hangover is as much sleep as possible. If I go to sleep drunk off my shit you can bet your ass I’ll be waking up in 4-6 hours pissed and hurting. Now I’ll spend the end of every night smoking weed till I pass out. This way I can force my body into a small weed coma so it can process the hangover as much as possible without me being around for it. Plus since I didn’t drink beer I wont be waking up needing to piss.

Secondly, I’m gonna keep some of that weed for the next day. The second I waked up I’m taking little baby hits to ease my brain into the post drunken day of horror. See, they say “hair of the dog” like you’re supposed to keep drinking the next day. It works. But all it really does is prolongs the hangover. That’s what I learned last weekend. I didn’t feel the hangover until I completely sobered up. And all that time it had been building like a giant lego monster.  You have to sober up, address the pain, and get back to neutral before you can party again. This is the only way to go on a “bender” without the massive hangover.

I’ll admit this probably sounds like some baby shit to a lot of you youngsters. And sure there’s plenty of older dudes going hard. They’re a dime a dozen. It’s a choice every drinker has to make. Is being drunk worth the pain? For some it is. For me it’s not. Plus I can always eat acid.

I think a lot of people have a glorified vision of the drunk who hates the world and drinks in spite of people. As a big fuck you to the universe. Sure it’s a living hell waking up every morning but he’s always got that bottle at the end of the day to bring him back. I’ve seen the reality of that drunk. I have friends that drink a six pack for breakfast. It’s hilarious for a weekend but that dude is doing it Monday through Friday while I’m at work. I got too much shit to do. Too many comic books to read, too many movies to watch and too many video games to beat. There’s too much cool shit to do in this world to live it either drunk or in pain. But in the end I gotta get drunk at some point so I better do it right.