19 Things to Say to Your Second Cousin Gary at his Grandfather's Funeral


  1. He was a good man.

  2. You should try the casserole.

  3. I’ve heard that drowning is much less painful than scientists believe.

  4. Anything I can do, anything at all…

  5. You think there’s room in there for two?

  6. Before his spirit passed did he utter the syllable which cannot be heard?

  7. Uh oh Gary, this ain’t no pizza party.

  8. When do we eat?

  9. He died how he lived, in a small wooden box.

  10. I hear that when you bury a body you can hear their soul screaming.

  11. Let’s fill the casket with some brews and get this fucker goin’!

  12. I heard that all bodies were buried with at least one pickle, is that true?

  13. He’s cute, what’s his deal?

  14. I heard that when someone dies, their body completely voids itself.  Like, you know, a giant zombie shit.

  15. So Gary dude, who’s got the cocaine?  Let’s do lines off gramps’ forehead/tits/etc.

  16. So Gary I’ve got a bunch of ketamine and I’ve heard a k-hole is a lot like death- if you want one last chance to relate to/connect with Gramps, I got you buddy.

  17. Want to know what a dead man’s dick looks like? You ever seen a dead man’s dick?

  18. Was he a Nazi?  Looks like a Nazi.... Too soon?

  19. Do you think rigor mortis gets his dick hard too?  Rigor mordick?  Dickor mortis?