The world is a titter with NFT (that’s Non-fungible Token if you’re nasty) madness. The art world, the blogosphere, the BK Kids Club, everyone wants to get their hands on a little piece of digital art that they can call their own and then offload for anywhere between 40 and 60,000 bucks. As of this writing there are jpegs, pngs, and .wows of mutant apes, vast 3D landscapes, and piles and piles of incredibly well animated dicks, but if you’re like me (someone between the ages of 47 and 65 with a vast amount of disposable income) then you want an NFT that’s a bit more persona than everything you can find online at the moment.

Anyway, here are some nifty little NFTs that I would love to see on the market

A still photograph of the Taco Bell drive-thru menu circa 1997

Obviously the photo should have been taken with a disposable camera during a church group’s summer trip to Six Flags over Texas in Arlington. An image of a baby dressed like an Italian chef with a cigar in its mouth saying something like “That’s-A Nice” should be barely visible over the menu.

An Old Man Petting A Dog

The old man is wearing sunglasses and his hair is cut into a flat-top. It’s summer, that’s why he has such a short haircut. The dog has bat wings and he’s wearing sunglasses (once again, summer). The entire image is melting as if someone is standing one foot away from it with a blow dryer set to maximum sludge.

The Lyrics To Kokomo By The Beach Boys But Instead Of Being About Wanting To Go To Kokomo The Song Is Now About A Hole In The Ground In The Desert Where Someone Can Wait Out World War III

This idea is pretty self explanatory.

Just A Nice Ripe Pear

Sometimes you just want to look at an image of a nice, ripe pear. Is it a photorealistic, golden pear lazing in the sun? Maybe it’s a CGI rendering of a pear that would be perfectly at home in the 1997 film Spawn. What about a pear with a big ol’ butt wearing a monocle and top hat? The ball’s in your court, NFT makers.

The Yawning Maw Of Oblivion

Who wouldn’t pay top dollar to stare into oblivion on a regular basis? Think about it, whenever you want you can just open a link to your own personal reminder of the vast emptiness that exists in the universe and within us all, and there’s a gold shimmer overlay which is pretty cool.

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.