This being my first official “VHS and Vodka” article I knew I wanted it to be special. For those of you who haven’t been in my bedroom, imagine leatherface’s room with the chicken bones and severed female body parts but there’s also around 700 VHS tapes stacked in the corners like a hoarder with really good taste. So I went through my collection in search of something with explosive potential that I hadn’t seen yet. I came across Crack House.
Just look at that cover!
I knew in order to review a movie with such promise correctly I needed to set the tone. I turned the lights down low, threw out the empty pizza boxes, and called a girl over. I told her the theme of the night was “crack smoke and stabbings” and she was eager to please. I made myself a screwdriver and stared at my belly button till she arrived.
Immediately upon arrival she stripped to her leopard print panties and grabbed the drink out of my hand. It was smoky in my room, she was frisky and I was drunk, we put in the tape.
Crack House delivered in ways you will never know that night. Everything you could want: a tragic love story, gang fights, drive bys, and psycho pimps. This is 1989 and high school kids rock uzi’s like they sell ‘em at the local Circle K.
The movie is about Melissa and Chico, two hispanic high school kids who are caught in the middle of a race war. It’s the mexican gang versus the black gang. Chico’s cousin is killed in his arms in the middle of a drive by. Chico takes revenge and ends up in the slammer like a chump.
Meanwhile the whole town is out for sweet Melissa’s body. She is almost gang raped when BT, a black crack dealer, swoops in and saves her. While she's traumatized from the near rape, he eases her mind with a crack rock. YUM YUM! One thing leads to another and she’s forced into prostitution and crack smoking in the crack house!
One thing that always makes me angry about these movies is how they show the crack being smoked but never the high. Don’t you wonder why this straight A, super sexy highschool girl is willing to throw everything away for another hit of crack? It’s because being high on crack is AWESOME. Like, so good nothing matters. I want to see crackheads running through daisy fields singing and laughing. Nope. They just cut straight to the hangover. Boring!
There was some really cool style in Crackhouse though. The hookers looked like they were from the future, and the black gang all had sick sweat bands and attitude in the way they dressed. The mexican gang had this awesome New Wave mexican music playing in the background and both gangs had really great racial slurs. My favorite line was from a guy trying to get his cousin to stop shooting heroin and start smoking crack:
“Why don’t you stop main lining and start space basing”
Shit, with a phrase like Space Basing I feel like we should ALL be smoking crack!
At its core, the movie is a western set in the city. I know everyone says that about every movie but there’s actually dudes being shot and falling out of windows and drive bys like they’re on horses.
There were some great boobs in the movie but the main girl had some stunt tits come in which were great in their own regard but disappointingly not hers. There was some vodka drinking in the movie which I made sure to cheers to and I don’t really remember the ending because by that point I was wearing the leopard panties and the bottle was empty.
Definitely a good movie to drink to. A perfect movie to smoke rock to!