When the four holes to Hell open up and Hell King is all pissed off and ready to fuck some shit up, who do you call? Two horny monks that have been training their whole lives! Yep, you heard me right, the Hell King is coming back to earth and we gotta stop him!
Read More*CRACK fzzzzzz SLURP* Can you taste the nostalgia? Remember how great Good Burger was? What a classic comedy movie! I love buddy comedies, don’t you? Good Burger is the absolute perfect example of nostalgia TRASH. If you think of it in your mind, you can remember great things, but don’t look too close! The reality is empty and pathetic. Not only is Good Burger terrible, it serves as the perfect metaphor for the separation between adult and kid comedy. It is the beginning of that horrible Disney comedy we see running rampant today. Worst of all it assumes all children are stupid and by the ratings, maybe they’re right?
Read MoreI was 15 when I developed a fetish for nuns. No, I wasn’t biting my thumb getting spanked in catholic school (I wish!). I rented a vhs called Ms .45. It was a rape revenge story about a mute woman who is raped twice on her way home from work and decides to kill all sleazy men. In the last scene she goes to a Halloween party dressed as a nun and it’s one of the sexiest scenes in movie history. Ever since that moment I’ve had a thing for nuns.
Read MoreEver fantasized about traveling to an alternate dimension and flipping through television, trying to decipher an alien world? Seeing the customs, the comedy and what they find sexy on planet Xenew? Well with the beauty of freaky Japanese cinema now you can!
Read MoreWhen you’re a 13 year old horror fan everything kind of runs together. You have nothing but time and an endless history of horror to consume. I remember whole years where I watched a movie or two every single day. 90% were horror. Yes it did affect me and no I don’t want to talk about it. The point is, through this endless stream of murder certain movies graze the surface and can actually fuck with your head. It’s rare, but they do. Xtro is a sick enough type of movie to just do that. It has claws in all the right places. So if you’re into being molested by a movie, by all means, read on!
Read MoreThis being my first official “VHS and Vodka” article I knew I wanted it to be special. For those of you who haven’t been in my bedroom, imagine leatherface’s room with the chicken bones and severed female body parts but there’s also around 700 VHS tapes stacked in the corners like a hoarder with really good taste. So I went through my collection in search of something with explosive potential that I hadn’t seen yet. I came across Crack House.
Read MoreFew horror franchises are successful enough to make it past the 4<sup>th</sup> installment. Even fewer reach the double digits. Friday the 13<sup>th</sup> made it to 12, Halloween made it to 10, and both Hellraiser and Nightmare on Elm Street dropped out at 9 (so far). Few people realize how close the Amityville franchise is on this list. Since the remake, 9 Amityville films have been made (not counting Bloodbath at the House of Death, a Amityville spoof). While most people shrug off sequels, one strange thing stands out about this list. Each franchise held their own (ignoring the remakes) and created a bounty of quality sequels. You can pop in any volume of Nightmare on Elm Street (again, besides the remake) and you will be entertained and surprised! Well Amityville 1992 falls right in these footsteps. With some first class horror movie acting and a genuinely scary story, It’s About Time still stands as my favorite in the series, and it’s number SIX!
Read MoreAs we all know, killer brain movies are a dime a dozen. We’ve all seen brains from outer space descend on a small town and a Rambo type character must swoop in to save the day. What puts “The Brain” in a different category than the hundreds of other killer brain movies is it’s a metaphor for being a teenager and the angst of being misunderstood in a brainwashed society run by television. Stupid parents and all their rules! Oh, it also has a huge fucking brain that eats naked girls!
Read MoreAs you can probably guess, Body Melt is not for the ladies (unless shes a bad ass!). No, this is an over the top, gross-out snotfest of blood, guts, sperm and sweat. Something that the ladies will never understand. This is a film for the drunk, for the high, FOR THE INTELLECTUAL! So strap on your goggles and let’s get to work.
Read MoreGoing to the theaters in 2011 is disgusting. Secret government agents, spies and lethal assassins. All that sounds cool in theory but the reality is BORING. I love a secret agent as much as the next guy but what does Jason Bourne have to lose? What pain does Liam Neeson really feel? Lets travel back to the 80’s where the enemy really hit you were it hurts, where a cops family could be slaughtered, a soldiers sister might get raped, and who knows? Even our hero could die…
Read MoreWhat is a “cult film?” To most it’s an underrated film that cultivates a group of fans that enjoy it ironically or embrace it for it’s true genius despite mainstream ignorance. But there’s another type of cult film. The type that makes you want to start a cult. Fight Club, I Heart Huckabees, and Slacker are three that come to mind. These movies have such interesting concepts or philosophies we should literally build cults around them. The Last Big Thing is a “cult film” in the truest form of the word. The film is so interesting and thought provoking it made me want to sacrifice a virgin and drink goats blood. LETS START A CULT!
Read MoreThe last few years have been pretty disgraceful in the world of the ninja. No longer are they the deadliest of assassins but now are mocked openly along side pirates and wizards. The ninja is an obvious costume choice, not a deadly threat. So lets go back to the ninja glory days (the 80’s) where America was just coming accustom to the ninja lifestyle, which was ripe for exploitation.
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