Have you ever wondered what Kristen Wiig’s nipples look like? Well we have the inside scoop. The gardner at my work also cuts Ms. Wiig’s lawn and has been watching her walk around naked on his lunch break for the past 3 months. He has confirmed multiple surgeries have occurred to reduce her abnormally large nipples. Most people don’t know this, but her nipples were the diameter of a soft ball since birth.Read More
You may think that Will Smith would give great Christmas presents, but my cousin Barbara found out the truth last week: It turns out Will Smith forces his whole family to save all their fingernail clippings in a jar. Yes, even upcoming child star Jayden Smith. At the end of the year for Christmas, they mail the clippings as presents to friends and family across the world. Yuck. Yuck.Read More
The taco truck guy down the street from my house told me he’s Joaquin Phoenix’s neighbor and he’s been watching him over his fence for the past year. Joaquin has been turning into a Minotaur and has been forced to hire a construction crew to build a labyrinth around himself in order to protect his family from inevitable bowel dismemberment.Read More
Penises and vaginas are the best, but smell the worst.
Armpits and feet love to be tickled, but who wants to touch those stinky things?
We kiss as a sign of affection, but if you don’t brush your teeth for one day, your shit is rank.Read More
I appreciate what you’re trying to do Steven, I really do, but why don’t you hold on to that soft taco? It’s not that I’m not hungry, because it is lunch time and, admittedly, I get very hungry around this time of day. It’s just that I don’t want the soft taco that’s been sitting in the passenger seat of your Volvo for God knows how long. Yes, I’m aware that it hasn’t been baking under the rays of the sun, magnified by your non-tinted windows (I didn’t even know they made windows without tint anymore) for more than twenty minutes, but still.Read More
Once upon a time there lived a noble prince. He really enjoyed saving princesses. He saved them all day long, in this land and that. Then one day a dark cloud appeared over the prince’s land. It clouded all that was good and he was no longer able to see what princesses to save. He grew sad and bored. He wished for his passion to return.
Then one day a mysterious beast appeared. The Glunkerwunk. He GLUNKED, then WUNKED, then GLUNKERWUNKED through the castle gates. The Glunkerwunk told the prince that if he could look inside and see himself for what he truly was then he could lift the curse from his kingdom. The prince laughed. He did not believe him for he was arrogant and saw himself without flaw. So the Glunkerwunk left and the kingdom was sad.Read More