Steve's Liquor Review

Steve's Liquor Review

It’s extremely hard to get a Kill Pretty employee to do even 30 minutes of actual work in a week. We beg, we plead, but our cries go unheard. This week I asked Steve to write something, anything. He said, “Like what?” I said, “Review anything. You can literally go to the liquor store and review alcohol. I don’t care!” Steve thought this was a great idea. A reason to drink! The next day I literally got photos of his review on a piece of paper. So here’s what I was able to decipher from his scrawlings. Please excuse the formatting and lack of real “reviewing” as I can only assume he was totally shitfaced by the time he got to his chips.

Tyler Nacho - Editor

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Funky Forest is Funking WEIRD (NSFW!!)

Funky Forest is Funking WEIRD (NSFW!!)

Ever fantasized about traveling to an alternate dimension and flipping through television, trying to decipher an alien world? Seeing the customs, the comedy and what they find sexy on planet Xenew? Well with the beauty of freaky Japanese cinema now you can!

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Five Amenities That Ja Rule’s Bringing To Fyre Fest 2.0

Five Amenities That Ja Rule’s Bringing To Fyre Fest 2.0

We’ll never know if Fyre Festival was a scheme to trap gullible social media influencers on an island and slowly deprive them of supplies until they broke into separate factions and ate each other or if it was a regular scam that didn’t have anything to do with cannibalism. Whatever the case Ja Rule, one of the creators of Fyre Festival, doesn’t think the initial get together went as planned so he’s putting together a new version of the fest and we’ve got an inside look on what’s waiting for you if purchase $5,000 VIP ticket.

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Heartburn Forever

To read the FULL article you gotta buy the mag!!! Buy it HERE!

Every time I go to a fast food restaurant, it reminds me of certain painful interactions and with women from my past. As a poor person in Los Angeles, fast food is the most logical choice for my meals like 20% of the time. I eat it for survival and I know it’s fucked up, but fast food culture is ubiquitous here.

It’s different in Massachusetts. In my youth, fast food was used to mark a really special occasion. We used to have great birthday parties at McDonald’s. Or Burger King if the kid’s family had a good year fiscally. I really view Burger King as a treat and a legitimate meal to boot. Wendy’s is a different story. My family still has significant sit down dinners at Wendy’s. These are rich people, now. Like, these days, they have the wherewithal to go get 20 dollar burgers. But they’re still eating Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers.

McDonald’s, though obviously the shitties of the bunch, has really good pickle and ketchup chemicals. Burger King has crispy lettuce and nice mayo. Wendy’s, I mean come on, Wendy’s is a place I can’t even really admit is shitty. I have nothing bad to say about Wendy’s. They even make their burgers into shapes! So when I tell you my first time at In-N-Out was divine for me, I’m not lying. It was like… it was like eating freshly showered pussy for the first time. I shit you not. It’s like, the more you eat the better it tastes, and you can’t stop drooling or thinking about the next bite but at the same time you’re transported to a place and mindeset wherein you’re not aware of the future or the past, desire, or regret. You’re just there eating a burger/pussy, which is technically the entire point of America.

Want to read the rest of Steve’s story? You gotta buy the mag! Buy it HERE!!!

Five Obscure Taco Bell Items That Need To Come Back

Taco Bell, the purveyors of fourth meal, feeders of stoners, teens, and stoned teens everywhere have no shortage of sodium-pumped delicacies waiting to be covered in Hot or Fire Sauce (or Mild, if you’re one of those people), before being shoved down your gullet. From time to time Taco Bell rolls out a new treat that’s so wonderful, so enticing that it’s too good for this world. Sometimes they’re local oddities, in other cases they’re national experiments that come and go in the span of a summer. Taco Bell may be the greatest fast food restaurant in the universe, but they’ll never win our undying love until they bring back these obscure menu items.

1. Chili Cheese Burrito

A simple delight amongst Taco Bell fanboys everywhere, the Chili Cheese Burrito is exactly what it sounds like – a flour tortilla filled with weird fake chili and melted cheese. The Bell brings this delicacy back to its menu every couple of years, but it should be a mainstay for those of us who like to take a late night trip to Chili Town. It’s long been rumored that some TBs keep the ingredients for a Chili Cheese Burrito on hand just in case someone has an off-menu order. To find out if your local Bell is one of these hotspots just saunter up to the counter and ask, “Can I get a first class ticket on the Chili Express?” They’ll know what to do.

2. The Volcano Slop Beefer

Who could forget this tour de force in a unique red taco bowl? Three ladles of the Bell’s patented “meat slop” dusted with chili powder and topped with extra cheese slop – was there any better way to fill up on calories than to order a Volcano Slop Beefer with extra slop? Real Slop-Heads knew to ask for extra green mayonnaise to make their slop taste just right.

3. Grilled Stuft Guacamole

During the summer of ’97, the Bell rolled out one of the greatest modern condiments known to man – Grilled Stuft Guacamole, better known to Bell Heads as “green mayonnaise.” An anonymous employee who worked at TB during that glorious summer  claims that Grilled Stuft Guacamole was made by mixing mayonnaise and avocado before being pumped into pre-rolled burrito and deep fried. Then, it was wrung out of the tortilla like water from a washcloth before being dolloped into tiny to-go portions.

There are a number of websites that claim to have recreated the majesty of green mayonnaise, but so far no one has been able to accurately capture the precise umami this sauce added to every meal.

4. Glen’s Crunch Stuft Caesar Seafood Nachos

Glen Thamorfern worked at the Bickering, Illinois Taco Bell for five years, beginning his career as a late night drive-thru jockey and ending it in a hail of gunfire after he attempted to stop a nacho cheese robbery. In that time he created one of the most exquisite meals known to mankind – The Crunch Stuft Caesar Seafood Nachos.

By using shrimp, whitefish, and any extra chum he had at home, Glen would fill a mixing bowl with his proteins before covering them with Caesar dressing and mixing it all by hand. Then he smothered the fish mix on top of a pile of tortilla chips before glazing them in nacho cheese. R.I.P Glen Thamorfern, a true American hero.

5. The Fully Loaded Cinnamon Lava Glopper

No trip to the Big Bell in ’96 was complete without chowing down on a Fully Loaded Cinnamon Lava Glopper. Was it dessert? Was it an entree? All bets are off during fourth meal. After slurping down the nacho cheese, cod, and chocolate puree held in a cinnamon sombrebowl, you could wear it like a hat until you were ready to get your next fill of the Glop.

The Spiritual Teachings of Beavis and Butthead Part 5: Final Thoughts

The Spiritual Teachings of Beavis and Butthead  Part 5: Final Thoughts

This marks the end of our journey through the fable of Beavis and Butthead but fear not! This is only the beginning of your inner journey to understanding. Reading these lessons is only step one. Integrating these lessons into your life and even more importantly: watching the show, THIS is where your real journey begins. Oh, how jealous I am that I can not take your place in the start of your cosmic voyage!

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Travel Tips For The Thrifty Adventurer

Nothing is more satisfying than hitting the open road and feeling the wind in your hair. However, if you want to travel like a professional you’ve got to know the tricks of the trade. It’s not enough to roll your shirts or wear all your coats at once – you’ve got to move across the country like you were born on the road.

1. Keep your passport encased in a block of ice (bandits famously hate handling anything cold so they’ll steer clear of any personal items that even resemble an iceberg).

2. If you’re traveling by air, remember, pilots have to eat everything on a plane that their passengers leave on the ground, so clean up after yourself.

3. Replace your blood with trail-mix. I have pecans and off-brand M&Ms bouncing around my veins at the moment.

4. Use the barter system when necessary: trade an old hockey stick for a basket of eggs, trade the basket of eggs for a can of gas, trade the can of gas for a ride to Albuquerque, etc.

5. Grow a hump and learn to keep extra water inside.

The Spiritual Teachings of Beavis and Butthead Part 4: Worshiping the Female

The Spiritual Teachings of Beavis and Butthead Part 4: Worshiping the Female

As we’ve seen in chapter two, many different symbols and concepts litter Beavis and Buttheads world. From the food they eat to the people they meet, each has its own significance. But one thing sits highest, above all else, in Beavis and Buttheads minds. That, of course, is the female.

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Killer Nun or How Religion Was Made For Sex Freaks! (EXPLICIT CONTENT!!)

Killer Nun or How Religion Was Made For Sex Freaks! (EXPLICIT CONTENT!!)

I was 15 when I developed a fetish for nuns. No, I wasn’t biting my thumb getting spanked in catholic school (I wish!). I rented a vhs called Ms .45. It was a rape revenge story about a mute woman who is raped twice on her way home from work and decides to kill all sleazy men. In the last scene she goes to a Halloween party dressed as a nun and it’s one of the sexiest scenes in movie history. Ever since that moment I’ve had a thing for nuns.

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The Spiritual Teachings of Beavis and Butthead Part 3: The Great Cornholio

The Spiritual Teachings of Beavis and Butthead  Part 3: The Great Cornholio

“I am Cornholio, I need TP for my bunghole.”

Truer words have never been spoken on this beautiful green ball of life. This chapter is going to focus in on the symbolism and teachings of the Great Cornholio. While I’m sure, at first glance, you can see Cornholio as the ultimate symbol of the fool, Cornholio has many secrets and many truths. Even I passed him off as a comedic element for years before finally picking up on the subtle teachings of this reincarnated buddha figure.

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