April 07, 2015

Skating Curbs

April 07, 2015/ steve torres

I like skating curbs. I moved to LA from western Massachusetts so I could skate curbs year round. I still suck at slappies. I still suck at skating, as a matter of fact. I don't care. Skating is this thing that allows me to cope with not having that many friends by taking my mind off stuff. Also, when I do happen to skate with other people, I get to pretend I do have friends that share my interests for a while, so that's tight. This particular skate spot I go to a lot accommodates all forms of feeble, boardslide, and otherwise dipped slappy variations, but I still just do frontside slappies and practice nollie flips. By myself. Almost every night. My life is really fucking full. So I'm skating at my favorite well lit curb, alone, as is my style , and this dude pulls up in a slightly battered white honda. He rolls down the window, and I see a dude with frosted tips looking out at me past the battered dashboard and glovebox with a look of mystery.

March 24, 2015

Crosswalk Buttons/Robot Penis By Mr. Rich

March 24, 2015/ Mr. Rich

There is a place out there, that when you push a crosswalk button, the traffic light automatically changes and you’re allowed to cross the road as easily as cutting in line if you’re Tony Danza. Unfortunately, that place is not on this planet.

(Easiness of Tony Danza’s line cutting abilities vary depending on how well recognized he is and what particular establishment he is patronizing.)

Maybe it’s because no one knows how a crosswalk button actually works that leads to people tolerating them and continuing to use them, but I’m here to stay STOP. Just stop. You don’t need them anymore. You can be happy and free without them. Do they control you? Or do you control them? Chances are, they don’t work. Maybe they never worked. Maybe it’s all in your head. Maybe it’s some sick game for the robots that inhabit this planet that we aren’t supposed to know about. The pervy ones make themselves look like stop lights and make their robot private parts look like crosswalk buttons. So when you’re pressin’ that button you’re really getting a perverted space transformer’s rocks off. And that’s not cool!

March 17, 2015

The Great New Years Brawl In Chicago by Carl Battista

March 17, 2015/ Carl Battista

We had sent the girls out to steal booze from the jewel-osco down on Harrison street. It was right on the cuff of the south side of Chicago and the racist employees where more concerned about crackheads stealing whatever than a few clearly underage white college kids perusing the cheap wine and such. It was the easiest way to get alcohol at the time. We were 18 and 19. The risk of using a fake and getting caught was about the same as trying to steal and getting caught. They came back with about 8 bottles of 30$ wine and a 2 liter bottle of Seagrams 7. Free and clear.

March 16, 2015

Welcome to 50 Shades of Puke (NSFW) By Mr. Rich

March 16, 2015/ Mr. Rich

(Spoilers)(wait...who cares?)

If you had the luxury of being in a relationship this Valentine’s Day, you most likely also had the joy of experiencing one of the worst movies ever made. Not by choice. You’ll convince yourself that you made the choice, but you didn’t. You thought to yourself, “Well, if I go and watch this piece of shit with them, I’ll probably get laid. The good kind of laid.” It makes sense. We all do things that we don’t want to do at some point in order to get some, but this takes the cake, by far.

This year, 50 Shades of Grey made 80 Gagillion dollars on opening day. Valentine’s Day. Not because it was a good movie, but because 50% of people got duped into seeing it by their significant others because their boyfriend/girlfriend read the book and it got them undies more moist than watching Chris Hemsworth take off his shirt in Thor. The problem is that there is nothing to the story except for it’s sexuality and it didn’t transfer over to the movie because that would have basically been a porn. So there isn’t anything to the movie. The story originated as Twilight Fan Fiction, “THIS IS THE LEVEL OF WRITING WE ARE DEALING WITH FOLKS!” Unless Darren Aronofsky had done this movie and it was rated NC-17 or X(which no mainstream theater will carry), there was no way in hell this movie was going to be anything like the books.

March 04, 2015

What Your iPhone Alarm Clock Ringtone Says About You by Greg Mania

March 04, 2015/ Greg Mania

Opening: This is the default iPhone ringtone, quiet and subtle: like you! You enjoy

fostering a sense of community and love shoving your flagrant display of civic virtue in

everyone’s face!

Apex: You’re very career-oriented and liquidate assets before lunch.

Chimes: You can ONLY achieve an orgasm if the song you’re having sex to is

comprised of at least 80% woodwind instruments.

March 02, 2015

How to Binge Watch Like A Pro by Jacob Shelton

March 02, 2015/ Jacob Shelton

ast week I was alerted to the fact that popular 90s television program, Friends, is on Netflix in it’s entirety. Until recently, I’d never seen an episode of Friends all the way through, or if I had, I was unaware. But now thanks to my roommate, Olaf, I’ve decided to watch Friends from top to tip, and I won’t stop until I’m studiously versed in all things Friends.

It goes without saying, if you decide to watch an entire series of a television program, that’s a big commitment. I’m in the enviable position of being a columnist, and with that job comes quite a bit of free time. Sure, I may need to slap down 500 words about the new Filthy Grabbers album, or review a new ramen burger pop up that only makes itself available under the 405 on every second full moon, but I hardly need to get out of bed for such work. But every so often I feel a ghost tapping on my shoulder, the fear of missing out.

“What if everyone is making reference to a very popular 90s sitcom and I don’t even know?”

February 26, 2015

Hateful Reviews of Everything Around Me by Sean Conforti

February 26, 2015/ Sean Conforti

I go to coffee shops regularly to keep my loathing of humanity at a low but consistent boil.

Yuppie urban-wanna-be regions, Pasadena for example, are excellent for this. I’m in a wood-beam and exposed aluminum piping hipster dream; there is a large neon sign, MOTEL NO VACANCY flickering on the wall above me, and I think that this is what it would feel like to be me playing Charles Bukowski playing himself in a romcom about Charles Bukowski playing me. “NO” flashes fluorescent red above my head

February 25, 2015

6 Ways to Gently Tell Your Parents You’ve Enrolled at the University of Phoenix

February 25, 2015/ Greg Mania

1. Offer them a marga-Rohypnol-rita first, then bring it up. It’s best to break news like

this when your parents are relaxed/unconscious.

February 16, 2015

Drunken Art Reviews by Mr. Rich

February 16, 2015/ Mr. Rich

When we're bored we'll throw Mr. Rich a bunch of paintings and stuff from the Juxtapoz website and see what he thinks. He gets no information on the artist or any context, just images. Here's our staff drunk talking contemporary art.

February 13, 2015

Fashcism! - Saddam Hussein By Eric Gruber

February 13, 2015/ eric gruber

Welcome back to Fashcism - a safe place for you to fawn over wardrobe choices made by the world’s most notorious monsters (you meaning me, of course)

You’ve heard of the fashion police, this is the fashion gestapo. The Nile and the Mississippi to Joan’s Rivers.

Today we bring you, from somewhere between Tikrit and a bottomless pit of wretched smells, piercing screams, fire and brimstone - the one, the only, Mr. Spider Hole himself, former president of Iraq, Dancing with the Stars season 3 finalist, Doctor, Lawyer, 5-star generalissimo, President Barack Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti (Editor’s note: Not a doctor).

February 12, 2015

Freemason Secrets Revealed By Jon Benito

February 12, 2015/ Jon Benito

Have you ever heard of the Freemasons? You know… those assholes that supposedly run everything. They're supposed to be the founding fathers of this country, and even possibly the descendants of the Knights Templar, and many other descendants and spawns of other secret societies. Some even think that the Freemasons were also the Illuminati, or that the Illuminati were started by the Freemasons, or that the Illuminati and the Freemasons work together to control the world. And from what I hear on the street, the Freemasons and the Illuminati have had a subsection of their own break off to battle it out on the street over who’s boss. There are all sorts of different stories about these two groups. Are they aliens, the lizard people and the greys battling it out on earth, or are they just men with dark occult power who have sold their soul to the devil? There’s all sorts of stories about these “people” rolling around the internet inspiring artists, occultists, Christians, the religious right, neo-Nazis, anarchists, and other curious individuals.

February 06, 2015

The Wall aka Drinking like a Scientist instead of a Beast

February 06, 2015/ Nacho

I think I hit the wall last weekend. A friend was in town and we drank for three days straight. By three days I mean all day every day. And by the third day we were up till the sun rose walking like zombies through downtown LA fucked up and fucked. I got little sleep that night, waking up every 15 minutes like a lunatic. The next day was okay. I was tired and fuzzy. Not too bad. Little did I know the wall was still ahead of me. I was still coasting on fumes and hadn’t succumbed to the hangover yet. That night I got a perfect 8 hours. Like a fucking rock. Who knew what my body had in store for me?

I woke up in horror. My whole body ached. Ached like I had just run the mile 50 times with a rock in my shoe. Ached like I had been chewed up and spit out. My head hurt, I was dizzy and I was sweating hot and freezing cold. Was I sick? No, I was hung over and 30.