Down The Rabbit Hole With Jacob Shelton: An Afternoon With Bernard Kulp

Down The Rabbit Hole With Jacob Shelton: An Afternoon With Bernard Kulp

Bernard Kulp bursts into his kitchen carrying a stack of manila envelopes. Over the next five hours he’ll repeatedly pull from these files and point to lengthy paragraphs that have been scanned and copied so many times that they look as if the ink has fallen out of the words. The first thing he says to me is, “Is this really you or is it your consciousness?” I don’t know how to respond so I pick up my water glass and I say, “Me?” I’ve never felt more insane. “I’m pretty sure myself and my consciousness are here together.” Kulp scowls at me and says, “We’ll see.” He fingers his folders for a moment before drumming his fingers on the table. “It’s not that I think everyone who projects their consciousness from another dimension is an evil pedophile or something, it’s just what my research shows.” Kulp raises his fist quickly until it’s parallel to my face, I flinch and he seems satisfied with this response. “That’s good,” he whispers to himself, “very good.”

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Top 5 Conspiracies Ranked by how Hard my Wife Tries to Stop Me From Seeing the Kids

Top 5 Conspiracies Ranked by how Hard my Wife Tries to Stop Me From Seeing the Kids

Youtube videos seemed to be so innocent when I first started watching. Cat videos and DIY tutorials. Anyone could upload a video! Soon I found myself getting wrapped up in the secret truths all the sheeple in the world don’t want to look at. Youtube documentaries freed me from a life with my head in the sand. It also freed me from having a wife and children. But I’m a good father and I won’t let these kids down, even if they might in fact be alien hybrids!

Here are the top five conspiracies that killed my marriage:

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False Flags

I’m in Reno, Nevada the sight of the most recent false flag operation by the U.S. government. Or at least that’s according to my guide, Ben Thurber, an ex-Coast Guard trainee who wears a pair of mirrored aviator shades throughout our conversation while clutching a stack of manila folders that he claims hold information about every false flag operation perpetrated by the U.S. government dating back as far as the ‘90s.

When I tell him that I don’t remember anything happening in Reno in recent weeks he simply says, “Exactly.” I offer to buy him a cup of coffee on the magazine’s dime if he wants to talk about what may have or may not have happened in Reno and he agrees, “but only if the coffee shop uses water without fluoride.”

Claims of false flag attacks have become more frequent as spree killers become the norm. Patriots like Thurber claim that the killers aren’t killers at all, and that their victims don’t even exist. They’re all actors putting on a show as a means to push stricter gun control laws. To my knowledge these false flag attacks have yet to pass one gun control law through the House or Senate.

We spend 30 minutes looking at Yelp, trying to determine if there’s a coffee shop in the area that uses rainwater. As I scroll through the list of coffee shops I ask what happened during the false flag attack in Reno. “It was bad, real bad.” When I ask how a false flag attack can be bad when everyone is acting I don’t get an answer. I ask again. Nothing. I look up and he’s gone.  

Have I just become the victim of a false flag interview? Is there actually a “Ben Thurber?” Or are there multiple Thurbers giving false interviews to journalists across the country? I never find a coffee shop that uses rainwater in Reno, Nevada.

The Moon: Fact Or Fiction

The moon. Your friend, imaginary lover, and largest nocturnal celestial body gracing the sky – or is it? Have you ever stopped to consider the possibility that the moon is actually an alien spacecraft orbiting Earth, lying in wait until the time comes for interplanetary domination? I doubt it. You and your heliocentric worldview probably never take the time to reflect on the possibility that something’s not right with that big piece of cream pie in the sky.

 

Even if the moon isn’t a spaceship full of Reptilians/Greys/Doktarians, it’s still not on the up and up. Can we at least agree on that? Something seems off about its craggy, too perfectly imperfect surface. An alternate and equally viable theory is that the moon is a holographic projection thrust into the sky by NASA. Scoff if you like, but there are signs every night that the moon is nothing more than an elaborate hoax beamed into the sky that’s meant to keep you docile.

 

Have you ever noticed that the moon is sometimes very big and other times very small? How can you explain the size disparity with anything other than a projector? Some nights the moon turns red, I’ve also seen it a hastily painted yellow. Um hello, NASA, the moon is white! How are we supposed to trust these ding dongs with a government pension to send us to space if they can’t even keep the color of the moon straight? Or maybe the moon just changes color, there’s really no way of knowing.

Freemason Secrets Revealed By Jon Benito

Freemason Secrets Revealed By Jon Benito

Have you ever heard of the Freemasons?  You know… those assholes that supposedly run everything.  They're supposed to be the founding fathers of this country, and even possibly the descendants of the Knights Templar, and many other descendants and spawns of other secret societies.  Some even think that the Freemasons were also the Illuminati, or that the Illuminati were started by the Freemasons, or that the Illuminati and the Freemasons work together to control the world.  And from what I hear on the street, the Freemasons and the Illuminati have had a subsection of their own break off to battle it out on the street over who’s boss.  There are all sorts of different stories about these two groups.  Are they aliens, the lizard people and the greys battling it out on earth, or are they just men with dark occult power who have sold their soul to the devil?  There’s all sorts of stories about these “people” rolling around the internet inspiring artists, occultists, Christians, the religious right, neo-Nazis, anarchists, and other curious individuals.

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The Reptilian Conspiracy REVEALED With Reptile Afterbirth

The Reptilian Conspiracy REVEALED With Reptile Afterbirth

In case you haven't heard, there's a new boss in the rap game. Not only is he the number one spitter from down under, he's also a key figure in the reptile conspiracy. If you aren't already shouting his name, he is REPTILE AFTERBIRTH.

 

 

He's been rapping for years in Australia, breaking it down and keeping it real. Recently he's gained world wide acclaim for his youtube videos revealing deep secrets in the ancient reptilian conspiracy. We sat down with Mr. Afterbirth to get the real scoop.

 

How was the reptilian conspiracy revealed to you?

My uncle used to lock me in a cupboard and play 'reptilian conspiracy' with me after dark but I've since made some resolutions, so this year is gonna be different.

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