There's Nothing Funny about this Picture
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There’s nothing funny about this picture. This is just a little person riding a scooter. Scooters are for everyone! We all love them and everyone has enjoyed being on a scooter before. So, like I said, there’s nothing funny about this picture.
Read MoreMedical Exam by Sir Surly Fetus
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I don't like to brag but, for someone who has not yet turned thirty - or forty, for that matter - I've had quite a few prostate and rectal exams. As a result, I now approach the prospect of undergoing such exams with relative ease. I also fancy myself something of a connoisseur in the domain of bowel movement regularity as a "haver" of IBS. In fact, a separate blog entry may have to be devoted to this topic exclusively, as my knowledge of dietary fiber sources, stool softeners and laxatives, as well as of coping with cramps and flatulence, can hardly be contained in the confines of a modest paragraph. Those of you who cannot bear to wait for my next article to be enlightened by my scatological expertise are encouraged to contact me privately. Please include the phrase "help me shit" in the subject line of your email.
Read MoreKid Destroys Dollar Store
/What was Jit so mad about? The Capitalist scourge of a day after Christmas Sale? The fact that Dollar Store employees make minimum wage and are forced to deal with monsters that go HAM and destroy their store? Being referred to as Jit? The world will never know.
My Year End Lists - Jacob's Favorite Music from 2014
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Once again we’ve come to the end of the year and we’re being inundated with lists; Best Ofs, Least Essentials, Worsts (my personal favorite), and Most Underateds. When you start to stack up the amount of content that’s been released over a year it can be intimidating. If the amount of albums released this year were physically collected and stacked atop one another, one could live as a comfortable hermit within their confines until the next year’s crop of content were added to the shack.
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Read MoreNapalm: A Tutorial by Jon Benito
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I was hanging out at SUNY Purchase, as I often did, sitting around with friends drinking and smoking. It was just another boring night on campus. Being in an art school, secluded in the middle of the woods can get surprisingly stale. I’m not entirely sure how the topic came up. We might have been talking about ways of extracting LSA, a compound similar to LSD, from morning glory seeds. Regardless, the anarchist cookbook came up. I relayed the recipe for napalm; equal parts orange juice concentrate to gasoline. No one believed me so of course, we quickly packed into a car and were on our way to get some juice and gas… and more beer.
Read MoreYou Can't Wait To Know This! By Keith Garsee
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Little-old-man-turned-Internet-villain Bill Cosby was spotted over the weekend eating a piece of fruit. No confirmation yet as to what kind of fruit it was, but it was probably one of the types of fruits that grows on trees and definitely not the gay kind because everyone knows now that Bill Cosby likes pussy.
Read MoreXMAS NEWS: Screech Stabbed a Dude
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Police on Friday arrested Dustin Diamond, better known as "Screech" in the early 1990s sitcom "Saved by the Bell," in a stabbing incident at a bar in Port Washington, Wisconsin.
Diamond, 37, of Port Washington, was charged with three misdemeanors: second-degree recklessly endangering safety; carrying a concealed weapon; and disorderly conduct, use of a dangerous weapon, according to a press release from the police.
Read MoreThis Ain’t No Party, This Ain’t No Disco, This Is An Event Sponsored by Hendrick’s Gin By Jacob Shelton
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Last Wednesday I was suffering from a case of the mid-week mopes when an email from a local taste maker website popped up on my digital typewriter informing me of a party currently in progress only a short walk away from my writing office/apartment. I had been trying to think of a rhyme for dialogue for the past five hours and felt that a bit of air and a party would be good for my constitution. And as it had been a few months since I’d actually reviewed anything I felt that could probably get some free pens out of the trip. Or at the very least a promotional goat cheese slider.
Read MoreElf On Da Shelf W/ The Weekend Pilots!
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Kill Pretty is now in dirty dealings with everyone's favorite comedy band The Weekend Pilots! Every month we will be writing an article inspired by one of their songs.
This month they threw us a X-mas song and even though we hate X-mas we love evil killer dolls so we went with it.
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