Five Things I Wish I Hadn’t Thrown In The Black Hole Behind My Mom’s House

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Five Things I Wish I Hadn’t Thrown In The Black Hole Behind My Mom’s House

As far as I can tell there was never a black hole behind my mom’s house, but there it was at the beginning of the pandemic. A black hole the size of a basketball hoop. I’m not a scientist or spaceologist but from what I can tell it’s been there for decades, maybe even hundreds of years, quietly expanding. I have to assume that the family who bought the house know about it, the small swirling vortex just past the back garden. You can’t miss it.

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Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdock St. James: It's March!

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Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdock St. James: It's March!

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a personalized Post-It with ten must-read sex tips. Let’s get to it.

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The Munchkin Mafia

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The Munchkin Mafia

The Munchkin Mafia came in again today. The last time they came in the leader asked me if I glued my vagina shut. This was an honest question.  He explained to me that women’s vaginas were supposed to be open.  He wanted to know what kind of strange parlor trick this was?! I tried to explain to him through clenched teeth that vaginas were like belly buttons ... innies & outties. 

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I’m Making My Own Vaccine (sponsored by Taco Bell)

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I’m Making My Own Vaccine (sponsored by Taco Bell)

One year into the pandemic and it’s finally happening, I’m getting a vaccine. More to the point, I’m making my own vaccine with the help of the fine folks at Taco Bell. After months of back and forth with Yum Brands (of which Taco Bell is a subsidiary) I can finally announce that my personal vaccine will be available in three variations. But Jacob, you’re not a scientist. I know, that’s why my vaccine is going to be better than those available on the market at the moment. Dare I say that it’s going to rock? I do dare.

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I Want To Do Nothing

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I Want To Do Nothing

Ten years ago I didn’t think twice about spending all day stoned on the living room floor of my apartment while whatever movie marathon on the Syfy channel played. Today, if I decide to cruise the streets of San Andreas for a couple of hours on a Saturday I can feel the Grim Reaper hanging over my shoulder. When I turn to plot my escape I see his hollow eyes filled like double barrelled shotguns that shoot semi-automatic machine guns with bullets made of flamethrowers. With an arsenal like that there’s no way that I’ll achieve my dream of living forever.

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I'm Finally Going To Do It: This Year, I'm Going To Kill Santa

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I'm Finally Going To Do It: This Year, I'm Going To Kill Santa

I saw mommy kissing Santa. It’s not just a clever song lyric, it’s my life. I was nine years old the first time I saw the big man in red grasp the back of my mother’s beehive hair-do and plant his lips on hers. She and my father were still legally married at that point. I didn’t know but they were legally separated, who knows how long things had been going south. We keep things from our children to try and save them from the pain of the adult world, but where there’s damage to be done damage will be done.

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