Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a Christmas card with 10 festive sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.
Read MoreEvery year, cries about the war on Christmas spring up from the furthest reaches of the Internet (Facebook). Baptist mothers worry that the spirit of Christmas has been devalued, that there’s a war on the holiday, that it shouldn’t even be referred to as a “holiday,” and should instead just be called Christmas. As crazy as a war on Christmas sounds, it’s actually true. We’ve been deftly grinding holiday cheer into the ground for years out of spite and now we need your help.
Read MoreRoy’s been living with your mother for seven years even though they’ve been married for five. Everything about his lanky body and ape-like posture rub you the wrong way, but really it’s the way he celebrates Christmas that turns you off. You definitely hate the way he makes everyone open their presents one by one, and how he insists on wearing a Santa hat and beard and shoving a bowl full of jelly down his shirt when he hands gifts out, but there are five Christmas traditions that he keeps to himself, and for good reason.
Read MoreOn days like this it’s impossible to stay inside. Just try it. Something will force you out. To confront the ball of fire that sits in the sky like a cigarette burn with hell behind it. So I go outside to go inside. I go into the tunnels under the city where it’s dark. Pitch black in fact. It’s my way to escape while also giving in. I would say that the sun feels good on my skin but that would be a lie. Not on a day like today. Today it burns. It burns in mid December because Los Angeles.
Read MoreThis, dear readers, is not a drill. The holidays are here and there are only 14 shopping days left until Christmas, Hanukkah is already underway, and while Kwanzaa starts a day after Christmas you’ll need a time machine if you want to make that extra day really count. If you’re at a loss for what to get the people in your life during a pandemic you’re not alone. Buying gifts for someone who’s stuck inside for an nebulous amount of time might sound hard, but that’s because your brain has atrophied and every ounce of holiday cheer has been squeezed out like some sort of fruit that has juice in it and can be squeezed. My brain is doing fine, and that’s why you need me to instruct you in the ways of gift giving.
Read MoreWe’ve all been there at least once. You’re minding your own business, walking home from your trip to the gas station bathroom, when someone jumps out of a car and bags your head from behind. Maybe they use rope or maybe they use zip-ties, but they restrain you and chuck you into the rear storage compartment of a ‘97 Ford Mustang. Personally, I think I’ve been curled up in this particular trunk for nearly thirty minutes and I’m starting to get pretty bored. I’m gonna watch some movies on my phone or something, and I’ll let you guys know which are my favorites. God I hope someone is reading this right now.
Read MoreMom, Dad, assorted friends and family, and anyone else who may be reading this, I know that 2020 has been a hard year. We’ve all faced hardships, illness, and the knowledge that our country is no longer the great bastion of democracy that we once thought it was. As we enter the holiday season, a time for togetherness and cheer, I want us to set aside our differences so that we can be with one another and give the kinds of gifts that we’ll remember for a lifetime. No, I’m not talking about money or a new set of pajamas (Aunt June!), what I really want this Christmas is simple, and it costs nothing. I want to beat my dad’s ass.
Read MoreAnother one? Yup! Another one. The HALLOWEEN CALLS...here we go!
Read MoreAs towns, counties, and even entire states lock down over a so-called surge in coronavirus numbers, it’s up to you to show the American people that we’re living in a hypno-state controlled by a fear-based media that wants to keep us inside so we can consume hundreds of holiday movies produced by liberal outposts like Netflix, Lifetime, and The Hallmark Channel.
Read MoreSexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a DM on Instagram with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.
Read MoreDear Reader I fear it is once again that time. When the Turkey King is chosen and his head is lopped off so the Wensleydale extended family can sup from his succulent juices. However simple to dine from the flesh of the family’s turkey and ham and even yams is not as easy as one might think, for Father insists that his progeny be thankful for at least five things each year. Woe to he who refuses to think up things to be thankful for, for he will spend time in the Thanksgiving stocks as cousin Roderick did two years past. In preparation for this year’s feast I’ve written down what I estimate to be the perfect things to be thankful for, supposing that father doesn’t find a flaw in my givings of thanks and slap my cheeks with his spanking stick.
Read MoreThanksgiving sucks. Aside from being a holiday that low key celebrates the genocide of America’s indigenous people it also forces you to sit in a room with your family over a never ending series of savory dishes. Even if your family isn’t made up of MAGA C.H.U.Ds and anti-vaxxers there’s still a good chance that they’re annoying as hell to be around for more than a couple of hours. This year, parents are more desperate than ever to see their adult children sit around the turkey and drink the gravy. Rather than ignore their millionth phone call asking you to risk your life and lungs for an afternoon of cranberry bliss, try one of these foolproof excuses for avoiding the holiday.
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