The Golden Ticket

The Golden Ticket

In 1993, a movie called “Last Action Hero” was released to the world and a specific aspect of it has always stuck with and intrigued me.  I’m not here to argue that this is a great movie(although it is pretty fuckin’ good) or that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the shit and has acted in some of the greatest movies ever made(Twins, Junior, Jingle All The Way).  I am here to discuss a golden ticket that gave you entrance into something amazing and it wasn’t into a retarded chocolate factory.

 

Before J. J. Abrams copyrighted lens flares, before Charles Dance was cutting apart animals on Game of Thrones, and even before Bridgette Wilson-Sampras got old and gave up on life, we were introduced to this(yet another) random Arnie movie.  But this time the plot device was a golden ticket, supposedly bestowed with magic by Houdini, that allowed its owner to travel in and out of movies at will.  AWESOME!   Unfortunately, the owner of this ticket is a runty little brat with no imagination and once it falls into the hands of somebody with a little more creativity, his head explodes.  He spoke of bringing a group of famous villains into the world, I’m here to kick it up a notch.

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You Can't Wait To Know This! by Keith Garsee

You Can't Wait To Know This! by Keith Garsee

Little-old-man-turned-Internet-villain Bill Cosby was spotted over the weekend eating a piece of fruit. No confirmation yet as to what kind of fruit it was, but it was probably one of the types of fruits that grows on trees and definitely not the gay kind because everyone knows now that Bill Cosby likes pussy.

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My Brain Hurts

My Brain Hurts

After I pissed myself the last time I got drunk, my phone wont let me unlock it unless I restart it.  I wonder if this was all plotted.  The phone still works, but now when I text, it repeats every letter to the point that it looks like I’m a stuttering idiot.  I’m not. I speak with perfect clarity.  But my phone disagrees. To all my “friends” it seems normal because I’m constantly hammered and sending weird texts.

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How to Get the Girl

How to Get the Girl

So You've got Your sights set on the perfect girl, huh?

She's got a perfect smile, perfect boobs, and perfect soul.  She goes to the same Circle K you go to, buys the same swisher sweets you buy;  she gets the same weed from the same guy you do, and has the same stds you have.  But how do You go from standing in the Circle K line to watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze with her, while she finds out the secret to your ooze with a careless handjob as Vanilla Ice sings 'Go Ninja Go Ninja Go!'?

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