Cool 90s Things That You Can Be Nostalgic About Instead Of Good Burger

Cool 90s Things That You Can Be Nostalgic About Instead Of Good Burger

It’s Fuck Good Burger Week here at Kill Pretty, and all of our writers and editors are dedicating their energy to reminding you how bad the movie and TV show Good Burger was. We thought about calling it “Bad Burger Week,” but that’s just as bad as the actual nostalgia surrounding Good Burger. Think about it, would you pay $30 for a Good Burger experience? Do you need your picture taken in front of a bad mock up of the All That logo? No way! You need to give that money to us.

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Good Burger: The Epitome of Nostalgia TRASH

Good Burger: The Epitome of Nostalgia TRASH

*CRACK fzzzzzz SLURP* Can you taste the nostalgia? Remember how great Good Burger was? What a classic comedy movie! I love buddy comedies, don’t you? Good Burger is the absolute perfect example of nostalgia TRASH. If you think of it in your mind, you can remember great things, but don’t look too close! The reality is empty and pathetic. Not only is Good Burger terrible, it serves as the perfect metaphor for the separation between adult and kid comedy. It is the beginning of that horrible Disney comedy we see running rampant today. Worst of all it assumes all children are stupid and by the ratings, maybe they’re right?

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I Booked A Good Burger Experience And They Put Me To Work

I Booked A Good Burger Experience And They Put Me To Work

I show my phone screen to the burly guy in the Good Burger branded polo standing outside the nondescript restaurant that’s now home to the Good Burger experience. It costs $30 and the reservations filled up long before I was able to get in. As soon as I show my proof of purchase someone pulls me aside. It’s Jacque, my manager for the next 90 minutes. He puts a paper hat on my head and pushes me towards the fry basket. “Welcome to Good Burger, dunk the tates.” I tell him that I’m here for the Good Burger experience, that I paid $30 to have my photo taken in front of a milkshake machine and to eat the most expensive burger in LA. Jacque takes a drag from his cigarette and says, “Every experience is different.”

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Vampires Kiss - 1988

Vampires Kiss - 1988

Immediately after I rail the second line of adderall the bartender, a lanky, hipster barber neck tattoo, leans in and yells, “Do it in the bathroom!” He has dreamy eyes but I yell back, “You’re sweet. Maybe later!” I give him a wink and spin around. It’s a bar in the financial district called The Straight Line. I’ve successfully found the most Wall Street white guy bar in Los Angeles in order to prep for my review of Vampires Kiss. I brought a baggie of crushed up adderall, some amyl nitrate, three condoms, paper clips and fake vampire teeth. I’m wearing some semblance of a suit that I could put together from Goodwill (The Kill Pretty budget leaves something to be desired.) I look like an extra in a bad Wolf of Wall Street sequel. I’m doing research, real journalism. Anything to rationalize my new found adderall habit.

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Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdock St. James

Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdock St. James

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a text message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

1. From now until October 1 butts are to be referred to as a “Golden Corral” because they’re all you can eat.

2. Ear wax, is it lube? Maybe.

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Behind The Scenes Of The Release Party For Kill Pretty Issue 5

Our first editorial meeting is some time around 8:45pm in the middle of the release party for issue five. For some reason we’ve decided to put out a supplementary magazine on the same night as the issue we’ve been working on for the past year, but that’s fine. Why wouldn’t we shoot ourselves in the foot? To write, edit, and print a magazine in one night (less really, maybe four or five hours) we’ve taken on additional staff members, none of whom I’ve taken the time to learn their names. They all know me. They bring me 3,000 word articles on samurai being “lit AF” and 50 word reviews of the entire oeuvre of Jeff Koontz.

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Five Times That It’s Totally Okay To Steal A Car

Five Times That It’s Totally Okay To Steal A Car

Regardless of how you feel about property and whether or not anything actually belongs to anyone, we can all agree that it’s not cool to go around stealing stuff - especially cars. On the whole, people need their cars to get back and forth from their jobs or to school, if that car’s stolen then the emotional and financial stress can be too much to bare for some people. However, there are a few completely acceptable circumstances in which you can steal a car.

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Kill Pretty Goes To The Los Angeles Premiere Of Danzig's Verotika

Kill Pretty Goes To The Los Angeles Premiere Of Danzig's Verotika

When I arrive at the theater I pass through a sea of people with mohawks and back patches that simply read “Danzig.” The singer’s directorial debut is supposed to be so bad it’s good, but how many so bad it’s good movies can there really be? I receive a wristband and frightened worker says “Whatever you do, don’t laugh.” Before I can question him I’m pushed through the doors of the theater and given the option of a $7 beer or taking an early seat. I opt to take my seat.

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An Excerpt From Our Interview With Henry Zebrowski

An Excerpt From Our Interview With Henry Zebrowski

KP: How did you first get involved with Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell?

HZ: I just auditioned for it. As an actor I think a lot of people think we all sit and I have a pile of scripts and I get to just go through shit and be like, “This one’s great, this one’s going to hurt my reputation”. But no, you just take whatever is fed to you like a seal. Then like a seal we’re trained to perform with electric shock. I went and auditioned for the show. I actually auditioned really early and I didn’t hear anything for two months so I figured it was over. Then I got a call back in LA. I walk in and it’s the first time I’m in a room with Booger from Revenge of the Nerds. I go in and I meet Chris Kelly and Dave Willis (the creators) and we just kind of hit it off. I started going off script and they liked that. I knew the vibe they were going for which is Aqua Team vibe, which is really insane circumstances with really casual banter, humor. I just picked up on that and I was just lucky. This is just the type of show that if I saw another dude doing this show I’d fucking kill him in his sleep and take his place.

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