December 18, 2020

How You Can Help The War On Christmas

December 18, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

Every year, cries about the war on Christmas spring up from the furthest reaches of the Internet (Facebook). Baptist mothers worry that the spirit of Christmas has been devalued, that there’s a war on the holiday, that it shouldn’t even be referred to as a “holiday,” and should instead just be called Christmas. As crazy as a war on Christmas sounds, it’s actually true. We’ve been deftly grinding holiday cheer into the ground for years out of spite and now we need your help.

December 09, 2020

Top 5 Movies to Watch in the Trunk of a Car

December 09, 2020/ Tino

We’ve all been there at least once. You’re minding your own business, walking home from your trip to the gas station bathroom, when someone jumps out of a car and bags your head from behind. Maybe they use rope or maybe they use zip-ties, but they restrain you and chuck you into the rear storage compartment of a ‘97 Ford Mustang. Personally, I think I’ve been curled up in this particular trunk for nearly thirty minutes and I’m starting to get pretty bored. I’m gonna watch some movies on my phone or something, and I’ll let you guys know which are my favorites. God I hope someone is reading this right now.

December 01, 2020

The Kill Pretty Guide To Proving That The Coronavirus Is A Hoax

December 01, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

As towns, counties, and even entire states lock down over a so-called surge in coronavirus numbers, it’s up to you to show the American people that we’re living in a hypno-state controlled by a fear-based media that wants to keep us inside so we can consume hundreds of holiday movies produced by liberal outposts like Netflix, Lifetime, and The Hallmark Channel.

November 27, 2020

Terrible Fucking Advice with Murdock St. James - Black Friday Edition

November 27, 2020/ Murdock St. James

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a DM on Instagram with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

November 23, 2020

Ten Foolproof Excuses For Avoiding Thanksgiving

November 23, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

Thanksgiving sucks. Aside from being a holiday that low key celebrates the genocide of America’s indigenous people it also forces you to sit in a room with your family over a never ending series of savory dishes. Even if your family isn’t made up of MAGA C.H.U.Ds and anti-vaxxers there’s still a good chance that they’re annoying as hell to be around for more than a couple of hours. This year, parents are more desperate than ever to see their adult children sit around the turkey and drink the gravy. Rather than ignore their millionth phone call asking you to risk your life and lungs for an afternoon of cranberry bliss, try one of these foolproof excuses for avoiding the holiday.

September 14, 2020

Quarantine No Nos

September 14, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

We’re crawling up the walls, baking every bread that can be baked. We’re forming vacation pods and going to Joshua Tree. We’re forming vacation pods and going to Palm Springs. We’re baking bread with our photogenic dogs and vacation pods in Joshua Tree and Palm Springs. We’ll never leave quarantine, we’ll let the virus burn through us until the only people left are COVID free by default. You can cross your fingers and hope that you make it to 2021 without saddling your family without a hefty respirator bill, or you can avoid these Quarantine No Nos and continue pacing your studio apartment Coronavirus free.

September 07, 2020

Kill Pretty Reviews: Being Tied To The Wheel

September 07, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

Being tied to the wheel is not for everyone. It’s certainly not for me, but I don’t want to write a review of something and just give it a one out of ten because it was a harrowing experience. I can see how some people would really enjoy being strapped to the wheel and spun around like some kind of rudimentary Wheel of Fortune board game piece.

September 04, 2020

Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdoch St. James

September 04, 2020/ Murdock St. James

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a Whats App message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

August 31, 2020

Kill Pretty Reviews: Thinking

August 31, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

As a professional thinker of sorts you’d assume that I’d give this explosion of electrons and neurons an instant 11 out of 10. That I’d be so high on my think throne that thinking would be my shit. Well you’re wrong. Thinking can go jump in a lake for all I care.

July 24, 2020

Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdock St. James

July 24, 2020/ Murdock St. James

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a text message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

July 15, 2020

Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdock St. James

July 15, 2020/ Murdock St. James

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a text message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

April 15, 2020

Five Skills To Learn While Practicing Social Distancing

April 15, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

You’ve got to stay busy during quarantine or you’ll go crazy. You’ll find yourself clawing at the walls and flopping around the floor with phone in hand as you refresh twitter for more mind numbing coronavirus content. If you don’t want to make a sourdough starter and if whipped coffee doesn’t sound time consuming enough the following skills will help you pass the time and help you become a better person.