One Sentence Album Reviews by Jacob Shelton
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Tamaryn - Cranekiss - Kemado Records/Mexican Summer
At least we finally know what that Demi Lovato shoe gaze album would sound like.
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VHS and Vodka Presents: Crack House (1989)
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This being my first official “VHS and Vodka” article I knew I wanted it to be special. For those of you who haven’t been in my bedroom, imagine leatherface’s room with the chicken bones and severed female body parts but there’s also around 700 VHS tapes stacked in the corners like a hoarder with really good taste. So I went through my collection in search of something with explosive potential that I hadn’t seen yet. I came across Crack House.
Read MoreOne Sentence Album Reviews by Jacob Shelton
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Alessia Cara - Know-It-All - Def Jam Recordings
The perfect soundtrack to committing suicide in a Target bathroom.
Read MoreDear Time Magazine,
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Dear Time Magazine,
Please hear my case.
When all logic escapes out the window what do you do?
Everyone has had that moment where you open a drawer and what you are looking for isn’t there. Or your phone or keys aren’t where you left them. But we accept these things. But what about when your significant other morphs into an 8 foot tall monster with 4 arms and 2 mouths?
Read MoreTHE KIL PRETTY SPORTS REPORT by Brian R Thompson
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I was going to hold back cause I have shit to do in the morning, but it’s fucking Football! Your boss will completely understand why you’re throwing up in the copy machine waste bin. Just say those sweet sweet magic words. Football... bbblllaahhhh… game…. Bblllaaaahhhhhh… over…time. Bbllllaaaahhh… Bro. He might even give you the rest of Monday off so you can pregame for the football showdown that’s going to happen that night. Or you might end up telling Janice fuck off you don’t need her advice on how to do your job which is gonna land you in HR’s office which means you’re fucked, cause he’s a pussy who likes euro football. Pusssy.
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Tales From the Tinder
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Good evening boys and girls! Tonight's tale is about two carless kiddies, ones a grump and one’s a chump. Can you guess this who’s who of sexless frustration? Looks like the games have only just begun! (*CACKLES*)
Read MoreCorner Store Critique: Larry the Cable Guy's "GIT-R-DONE GRUB" Biscuits n' Gravy
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Purchasing:
I first stumbled across the meals about 6 months ago at The Dollar Tree, because of course they're sold there. This is a prime marketing example of supply and demand and really knowing your demographic. Everyone at The Dollar Tree at the time of purchase looked like walking bags of flour that have been mainlining bacon grease, and they all walked like they were chafing between the legs. A+ to Larry's team for nailing this one on the head.
How to Have Your Car Salesman Squealing with Pleasure in Six Easy Steps
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I once regarded the process of buying or leasing a car with the highest level of contempt. I hated everything about it: the hours upon hours of waiting in the most dismally commercial settings, the utter dishonesty that would reveal itself in the experience of comparing one’s research about any particular car with the sales staff’s unabashedly spouted malarkey about said car and, finally, the sales staff itself. I would, in most cases, rather spend time with convicted felons than with car salesmen. What a useless breed of wretched, revolting shitheads.
Read More25 MORE Important Things to Know By Jordan Rich
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26 - Do not aspire to be a pro Frolfer.
27 - Watch "Flight of The Navigator".
28 - Toothpaste is poisonous. So stop eating it!
29 - Watch out for the crazy lady that works at the Safeway and always stares at you. We don't what she wants.
30 - If you run into Kirk Hammett and accidentally call him Mark Hamill while you're hammered at a Primus concert, he will be cool and still give you an autograph on a Tic Tac box.
31 - If you are high and in a stadium concert full of 10's of thousands of people and hear someone shouting your name, ignore it. It's all in your head.
Read MoreTales From The Tinder
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Gather round, ladies and germs! This is a tale to make you squirm. Take a step inside this ghastly ride, with a girl who’s clueless and a boy who's fried. Buckle up!
Read MoreThings I'm Going To Buy With My New Credit Card by Jacob Shelton
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After over ten years of having non-existent to bad credit, I’ve finally done it. I’ve tricked a company into giving me a credit card. Before I won my new magic card, I assured myself and anyone who would listen that I would only use my free money for good. That I would use it to fix my car, to buy a plane ticket to visit my mother, to save a small orphan in Guatemala. But all of that’s out the window now that I have the actual card in my hands. I can feel its monetary power coursing through my veins, the numeral indentions are whispering to me, sending me to Amazon.com and telling me to look up expensive pounds of coffee.
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