November 23, 2020

Ten Foolproof Excuses For Avoiding Thanksgiving

November 23, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

Thanksgiving sucks. Aside from being a holiday that low key celebrates the genocide of America’s indigenous people it also forces you to sit in a room with your family over a never ending series of savory dishes. Even if your family isn’t made up of MAGA C.H.U.Ds and anti-vaxxers there’s still a good chance that they’re annoying as hell to be around for more than a couple of hours. This year, parents are more desperate than ever to see their adult children sit around the turkey and drink the gravy. Rather than ignore their millionth phone call asking you to risk your life and lungs for an afternoon of cranberry bliss, try one of these foolproof excuses for avoiding the holiday.

October 07, 2020

Steve's Liquor Review

October 07, 2020/ Nacho

It’s extremely hard to get a Kill Pretty employee to do even 30 minutes of actual work in a week. We beg, we plead, but our cries go unheard. This week I asked Steve to write something, anything. He said, “Like what?” I said, “Review anything. You can literally go to the liquor store and review alcohol. I don’t care!” Steve thought this was a great idea. A reason to drink! The next day I literally got photos of his review on a piece of paper. So here’s what I was able to decipher from his scrawlings. Please excuse the formatting and lack of real “reviewing” as I can only assume he was totally shitfaced by the time he got to his chips.

Tyler Nacho - Editor

October 05, 2020

Kill Pretty Reviews: Eating All Of The Halloween Candy At The Beginning Of October

October 05, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

Standard Halloween practice says that you shouldn’t eat all of your Halloween candy within the first week of October. Not only does Halloween candy cost upwards of ten bones per bag, but if eaten in one sitting (hypothetically while watching two episodes of Selling Sunset on Netflix) your stomach runs the risk of falling out of your body and suing you for gross negligence.

September 30, 2020

Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee

September 30, 2020/ Nacho

We all know the old saying about food being “fuel” for your body. Yeah, sure. Whatever. That’s what I thought. Cause guess what? I was a teenager who threw plates of nachos down my head like a beast, and ran around all day like a psycho. Now I’m 30, and it’s all too real.

September 23, 2020

The Confessions of a Former Sub by Martine Du Sade

September 23, 2020/ Nacho

My name is Martine Du Sade and I am a sub. I’ve been a sub for approximately six years and Kill Pretty has asked me to write about my experiences. First things first, let us start at the beginning and dispel some ugly rumors. You don’t just become one. Someone does not just approach you in Starbucks and say, “Hey you look like the type of person who likes to be spanked, choked and ordered to do cock worship, how about it? By the way is this your caramel macchiato?”

September 18, 2020

An 8th Grader Reviews Cigarettes

September 18, 2020/ Nacho

Our friends little brother some how got a copy of Kill Pretty and now is begging us to let him write an article. He’s a little kid so we let him do the one thing he’s good at, complain. We went to the store and bought him five packs of cigarettes, don’t worry their lights, so he could smoke each pack and let us know what he thinks. Here’s his reviews..

September 14, 2020

Quarantine No Nos

September 14, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

We’re crawling up the walls, baking every bread that can be baked. We’re forming vacation pods and going to Joshua Tree. We’re forming vacation pods and going to Palm Springs. We’re baking bread with our photogenic dogs and vacation pods in Joshua Tree and Palm Springs. We’ll never leave quarantine, we’ll let the virus burn through us until the only people left are COVID free by default. You can cross your fingers and hope that you make it to 2021 without saddling your family without a hefty respirator bill, or you can avoid these Quarantine No Nos and continue pacing your studio apartment Coronavirus free.

September 11, 2020

Five Ways In Which Father Ruined My Slumber Party

September 11, 2020/ Nigel Wensleydale

Dear reader, you have no way of knowing the indignities that I’ve suffered because of father, that scoundrel of a man who’s deemed it his mission to make my life a living Heck. His antics are enough to make me want to swear out loud in front of Mother. He’s committed yet another series of atrocities, this time at the slumber party I hosted for my teammates on the fancy lad jumping rope team – here are the worst, although not all, of the acts committed by father.

September 09, 2020

An Excerpt From Our Interview With Mind Detrgnt

September 09, 2020/ Nacho

To read the full interview pick up issue 5, a thing you can do by clicking this link! Wow! HTML!

KP: What's Memphis like for graffiti?

MD: It's an awful place for graffiti. The biggest crew there is UH crew. I don't really like their shit, but that's what I grew up around. I didn't do shit like theirs. They do all that weird *makes ninja noises* crazy you know, complicated, illegible pieces and shit like that. I was never that into it. Me and my homie, we were both runaways and we would do shitty tags on Lexuses and shit like that. Me and him both wrote MIND DETRGNT. He never really got that into graffiti. He ended up getting more into music. He still plays music as MIND DETRGNT and he still makes collages that are MIND DETRGNT collages that are really cool. I used to do collages but I don't any more.

September 07, 2020

Kill Pretty Reviews: Being Tied To The Wheel

September 07, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

Being tied to the wheel is not for everyone. It’s certainly not for me, but I don’t want to write a review of something and just give it a one out of ten because it was a harrowing experience. I can see how some people would really enjoy being strapped to the wheel and spun around like some kind of rudimentary Wheel of Fortune board game piece.

September 04, 2020

Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdoch St. James

September 04, 2020/ Murdock St. James

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a Whats App message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

September 02, 2020

The Peacock King - A Lesson in Horror-Fu

September 02, 2020/ Nacho

When the four holes to Hell open up and Hell King is all pissed off and ready to fuck some shit up, who do you call? Two horny monks that have been training their whole lives! Yep, you heard me right, the Hell King is coming back to earth and we gotta stop him!